Monday, March 27, 2006
Today supposed to be a much more relaxed day since morning lab has stopped and no lesson the whole day except lab work. However, as the sun set, it feels as if i just have had a battle. I feel so exhausted. I dunno if i have won that battle but it wont feel right or victorious even if i have won. In fact, at the bus stop, tears welled up my eyes. I haven had such a feeling for a long time.
It really upsets me when I learnt that my frens has shared lab results and had decided to exclude me. It somewhat trigger the devil in me and throughout the whole lab session, whether we agree with each other or not, we jumped at any chances we could to abuse one another verbally. We disagree and rebuke points stated, a discussion had turned into a heated debate. It wasnt obvious as it was smartly masked by spontaneous laughter. However, deep down inside, every rebuttal wasnt friendly and it hurts so much. I wanted to question and confront but i am afraid. I am afraid of questioning which might cause this notch in the friendship that is built of rock. People being human, we have a complex mind for individual to understand. I chose not to confront that complex mind. I can only say that I treasure this frenship far more than studies or results.
Sigh. It seems like primary school all over again. How come I dun feel nostalgic at all?
It really upsets me when I learnt that my frens has shared lab results and had decided to exclude me. It somewhat trigger the devil in me and throughout the whole lab session, whether we agree with each other or not, we jumped at any chances we could to abuse one another verbally. We disagree and rebuke points stated, a discussion had turned into a heated debate. It wasnt obvious as it was smartly masked by spontaneous laughter. However, deep down inside, every rebuttal wasnt friendly and it hurts so much. I wanted to question and confront but i am afraid. I am afraid of questioning which might cause this notch in the friendship that is built of rock. People being human, we have a complex mind for individual to understand. I chose not to confront that complex mind. I can only say that I treasure this frenship far more than studies or results.
Sigh. It seems like primary school all over again. How come I dun feel nostalgic at all?
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 7:45 pm
angry post
the blog's been pretty quite lately so i decided to add sumthing. i have so many things to say, jez that i dun have the time. all the work is realli getting onto me. quite tired but the sole optimism i can seek is that this hell ends in 3 weeks.
ok let me start on an incident which happened last friday. it was during song and jacq's debate. they are in the same team. to keep things simple, for mutual beefits, both teams collaborated and scripted their arguments together to provide a reasonable flow to the argument. however, pardon my language here but such things really piss me off and even now as im typing, i feel the heat mounting. some mother fuckers, contrary to what they had agreed on, changed their scripts. it may seem like nothing. but the thing is by changing their scripts at the last min, the sabotaged sj and jacq. it made them look good and put sj and jacq down. tisresulted in sj not having much to say since it was not cheorographed. such things really piss me off. mother fuckers. i cannot stand liars, cheaters and back stabbers. this post now looks like an avenue for me to let off the angst. but this fucker, aaron( ugly enough and to fan the flmae, he is AARON< fucking insukt to aaron kwok), could act walk up to me and asked me how was the debate. i wonder how shameless ppl can get and how low they can stoop jez to get their grades. i think life is more than grades. im not trying to justify my laziness. but life is realli more than that. how can ppl forsake values, turn around, stab u, and then smile and tok like there was nothing.
im glad all of u are ppl worthy of my trust, and i will not hesitate to seek any help or advice from u guys. i feel that we shud all work hard and let these ppl noe that there are legitimate waes to get the grades and keep the frens. watever it is, i think we have been in the 'village' for too long. we have been surrounded by nice ppl for too long and its now time to face the real world. im sure we will bump into jerks like these every now and then. but i hope u guys can learn to handle it better than me. because each time i think of it, my blood booils.
ue
ok let me start on an incident which happened last friday. it was during song and jacq's debate. they are in the same team. to keep things simple, for mutual beefits, both teams collaborated and scripted their arguments together to provide a reasonable flow to the argument. however, pardon my language here but such things really piss me off and even now as im typing, i feel the heat mounting. some mother fuckers, contrary to what they had agreed on, changed their scripts. it may seem like nothing. but the thing is by changing their scripts at the last min, the sabotaged sj and jacq. it made them look good and put sj and jacq down. tisresulted in sj not having much to say since it was not cheorographed. such things really piss me off. mother fuckers. i cannot stand liars, cheaters and back stabbers. this post now looks like an avenue for me to let off the angst. but this fucker, aaron( ugly enough and to fan the flmae, he is AARON< fucking insukt to aaron kwok), could act walk up to me and asked me how was the debate. i wonder how shameless ppl can get and how low they can stoop jez to get their grades. i think life is more than grades. im not trying to justify my laziness. but life is realli more than that. how can ppl forsake values, turn around, stab u, and then smile and tok like there was nothing.
im glad all of u are ppl worthy of my trust, and i will not hesitate to seek any help or advice from u guys. i feel that we shud all work hard and let these ppl noe that there are legitimate waes to get the grades and keep the frens. watever it is, i think we have been in the 'village' for too long. we have been surrounded by nice ppl for too long and its now time to face the real world. im sure we will bump into jerks like these every now and then. but i hope u guys can learn to handle it better than me. because each time i think of it, my blood booils.
ue
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 6:06 pm
Friday, March 24, 2006
Heyo!
Hi my friends,
It has been a while hasn't it? Time really flies by. I took a slow jog around school today, finally gave myself a bit of alone time. (Song, you know what I mean, my nirvana time) Some personal reflection and it was very good. I had the time to sit beside the lake, look at the ducks swimming by, the silent peace. This semester has been very hectic and I hardly had time to breathe and I am sure it must be the same for everyone.
I have alot of things on my mind. I wish all of you were here with me so we could go for a good 'Ya kun' and let me share my thoughts. I won't drag on for too long. Hope this doesn't turn out like an essay.Haha.
Firstly, I was thinking how fast time has flown by. I jogged past the place I first set foot on and I really can't believe it's been almost what, 6 months? What is fruitful these 6 months is that I have immersed myself in work and totally devoted my heart into it, although at times I know it's not enough. Things are never enough sometimes. My army buddy sent me a photo I took in 2003 and seiously looking at it, it really scared the shit out of me. LITERALLY. I was so shocked how time has flown by! I still remember world cup1998, world cup2002, Euro2004 and this year it's gonna be world cup 2006. How many more world cups can I watch in my life? If u take a count it should be less than15-18 your whole life. Which is damn scary!
So well, time aside, let's talk about who we truly want to be like Lam has mentioned. Everyday I try to tell myself how I train myself now will be how good or tough a father I will be in the future. Yet everyday I feel I fall short of what I expect of myself. Self-discipline, self-control, determination, taking on hardship, how much shit I can take from people, how much shit I can take from the worst day...all these things I am still far from controlling my emotions and managing them well. Which I believe is the mark of a loyal son, successful man, a faithful husband and a Dad that is able to make sound and wise decisions for his children. BUT the trick is life is never a destination. We fall and we pick ourselves up again. We make the same mistakes and we get frustrated with ourselves and our inadequacy but the trick is never to give up or give in. Push on and dig deep, no matter how bad it is, look to the future. Focus on the future and not the short term. Someday we will see the light, no matter how bad things are now, they are ONLY AS BAD as you THINK they are. I believe that as long as we wake up everyday, as long as we turn up for 'work' everyday, willing and daring to face the world, we will improve and that itself, improvement is all that matters.
Exams are fast approaching for you Singapore people. Be brave and work hard. Everyone encourage each other. Those that needs more help and encouragement, give it to them. Those that are able to handle better, don't forget your friends. Give them a helping hand. Buy dinner for each other if need be. Be open and frank, be sincere in looking out for your closest ones. These are the things that will pull all of us closer together. One day, all these small efforts will pull us closer together. Besides all the fun we have, when the time comes to give the due support and encouragement as friends, give them with no hesitation. Allright? I am sure all of you can do it and I will tell you all why in the next paragraph. Go out there, give it your best. Be who you want to be, be who you dare to be. This is not an inspirational post. This comes simply, plainly from what I feel for you all. And I know without a shadow of a doubt all of us can.
Why can we do it, you ask? BECAUSE WE ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP OF MARIST STELLA HIGH SCHOOL!haha. It's not funny but it's sure true as hell. I chanced upon this Marist's blog the other day. This guy's two years younger and he's doing medicine in NUS. Also chanced upon some Marists a few years ahead of us who are accountants and lawyers and engineers. It's quite surprising that they all remember 'dennis koh' and that Maris Stella have a plcae in their hearts. I am sure its the same for us. In time to come, we are all gonna graduate and people will ask, what school are you from? I tell myself, I will work hard, hard enough so that I can be a testament that Marists are capable, able and can be responsible. I want to go back to Marists and tell Dennis koh, Miss liew, Miss kwong, Mr Foo(that's for me) and maybe Bro Anthony that they have made me a success. Let's all work towards that day where people walk pass us and they will say, eh that accountant or businessman or engineer is very capable! Which school was he from? RI? NO! HE'S A MARIST!
That said, it's not easy at all. You've got to have the desire to work to be the best, to BE the best and to BEAT THE BEST. (Ok, this is inspirational. haha. Only this is) My coach told me once before a very important match that I will always remember. He told me :" I want you to go out there and run like you have never EVER run in your life before." I did that. I ran as if there was no tomorrow, really! I ran like as if I was never gonna feel tired. And I cramped straight after the final whistle. It was a very important match which we needed to draw and we did. So I say, work like you have never worked before, love like you have never loved before, and dare to be the accountant, businessman or engineer you have always dreamt you could be.
Work like you have never worked before.....
Esmond
It has been a while hasn't it? Time really flies by. I took a slow jog around school today, finally gave myself a bit of alone time. (Song, you know what I mean, my nirvana time) Some personal reflection and it was very good. I had the time to sit beside the lake, look at the ducks swimming by, the silent peace. This semester has been very hectic and I hardly had time to breathe and I am sure it must be the same for everyone.
I have alot of things on my mind. I wish all of you were here with me so we could go for a good 'Ya kun' and let me share my thoughts. I won't drag on for too long. Hope this doesn't turn out like an essay.Haha.
Firstly, I was thinking how fast time has flown by. I jogged past the place I first set foot on and I really can't believe it's been almost what, 6 months? What is fruitful these 6 months is that I have immersed myself in work and totally devoted my heart into it, although at times I know it's not enough. Things are never enough sometimes. My army buddy sent me a photo I took in 2003 and seiously looking at it, it really scared the shit out of me. LITERALLY. I was so shocked how time has flown by! I still remember world cup1998, world cup2002, Euro2004 and this year it's gonna be world cup 2006. How many more world cups can I watch in my life? If u take a count it should be less than15-18 your whole life. Which is damn scary!
So well, time aside, let's talk about who we truly want to be like Lam has mentioned. Everyday I try to tell myself how I train myself now will be how good or tough a father I will be in the future. Yet everyday I feel I fall short of what I expect of myself. Self-discipline, self-control, determination, taking on hardship, how much shit I can take from people, how much shit I can take from the worst day...all these things I am still far from controlling my emotions and managing them well. Which I believe is the mark of a loyal son, successful man, a faithful husband and a Dad that is able to make sound and wise decisions for his children. BUT the trick is life is never a destination. We fall and we pick ourselves up again. We make the same mistakes and we get frustrated with ourselves and our inadequacy but the trick is never to give up or give in. Push on and dig deep, no matter how bad it is, look to the future. Focus on the future and not the short term. Someday we will see the light, no matter how bad things are now, they are ONLY AS BAD as you THINK they are. I believe that as long as we wake up everyday, as long as we turn up for 'work' everyday, willing and daring to face the world, we will improve and that itself, improvement is all that matters.
Exams are fast approaching for you Singapore people. Be brave and work hard. Everyone encourage each other. Those that needs more help and encouragement, give it to them. Those that are able to handle better, don't forget your friends. Give them a helping hand. Buy dinner for each other if need be. Be open and frank, be sincere in looking out for your closest ones. These are the things that will pull all of us closer together. One day, all these small efforts will pull us closer together. Besides all the fun we have, when the time comes to give the due support and encouragement as friends, give them with no hesitation. Allright? I am sure all of you can do it and I will tell you all why in the next paragraph. Go out there, give it your best. Be who you want to be, be who you dare to be. This is not an inspirational post. This comes simply, plainly from what I feel for you all. And I know without a shadow of a doubt all of us can.
Why can we do it, you ask? BECAUSE WE ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP OF MARIST STELLA HIGH SCHOOL!haha. It's not funny but it's sure true as hell. I chanced upon this Marist's blog the other day. This guy's two years younger and he's doing medicine in NUS. Also chanced upon some Marists a few years ahead of us who are accountants and lawyers and engineers. It's quite surprising that they all remember 'dennis koh' and that Maris Stella have a plcae in their hearts. I am sure its the same for us. In time to come, we are all gonna graduate and people will ask, what school are you from? I tell myself, I will work hard, hard enough so that I can be a testament that Marists are capable, able and can be responsible. I want to go back to Marists and tell Dennis koh, Miss liew, Miss kwong, Mr Foo(that's for me) and maybe Bro Anthony that they have made me a success. Let's all work towards that day where people walk pass us and they will say, eh that accountant or businessman or engineer is very capable! Which school was he from? RI? NO! HE'S A MARIST!
That said, it's not easy at all. You've got to have the desire to work to be the best, to BE the best and to BEAT THE BEST. (Ok, this is inspirational. haha. Only this is) My coach told me once before a very important match that I will always remember. He told me :" I want you to go out there and run like you have never EVER run in your life before." I did that. I ran as if there was no tomorrow, really! I ran like as if I was never gonna feel tired. And I cramped straight after the final whistle. It was a very important match which we needed to draw and we did. So I say, work like you have never worked before, love like you have never loved before, and dare to be the accountant, businessman or engineer you have always dreamt you could be.
Work like you have never worked before.....
Esmond
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 1:38 am
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
fotos update
hi.. after the whirlwind of events, finally things have more or less settled down. was looking thru some fotos and saw some which i would put up now..
in chronological order..
firstly its siusiu's bdae.. but the quality is a little poor..
the expression of weiqin's face could only mean that either his balls got pinched or that he is a sadistic psycho
Hoi.. behave ah.. dun tink dark dark cannot see anything haha
Jacq's Bdae post celebrations
CLASSIC example of beauty and the BEAST
Seto.. other den putting a little of weight, he's still pretty much the same..
Group FOTO
and finally some eye candy for u all.. i was at sentosa that day when i saw this tay ping hui lookalike.. probabaly they are filming the part 2 of the beach show they did years ago..
exams are reaching soon.. pls study hard guys!! its the final lap.. of MANY MANY laps.. good luck!!
SJ
p.s. i was going thru the preview.. but i cannot arrange the comments and fotos together.. something's wrong with blogger.. but anyway its in order..
in chronological order..
firstly its siusiu's bdae.. but the quality is a little poor..
the expression of weiqin's face could only mean that either his balls got pinched or that he is a sadistic psycho
Hoi.. behave ah.. dun tink dark dark cannot see anything haha
Jacq's Bdae post celebrations
CLASSIC example of beauty and the BEAST
Seto.. other den putting a little of weight, he's still pretty much the same..
Group FOTO
and finally some eye candy for u all.. i was at sentosa that day when i saw this tay ping hui lookalike.. probabaly they are filming the part 2 of the beach show they did years ago..
exams are reaching soon.. pls study hard guys!! its the final lap.. of MANY MANY laps.. good luck!!
SJ
p.s. i was going thru the preview.. but i cannot arrange the comments and fotos together.. something's wrong with blogger.. but anyway its in order..
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 9:37 am
Monday, March 20, 2006
My 2 cents worth thoughts
Hey people,
I know I shouldn't even attempt to start blogging now, given the tons of work that I have to do even though its the last week before Easter break.
Anyway, I have been really busy, as explained in the previous long long time ago blog where I told you guys I will so very busy. In fact my project is due this week so have got alot of last minute summaries to compile.
I hope you guys have been doing fine, in fact I know you guys have been, given the many outings and photographs taken. Think right now some of you are with Seto now, and I am certainly most glad and happy that he is willing to try again.
Back to what I wanted to blog actually. Recently I have been coming across many issues regarding being submissive and at the same time not being too self opinionated. This has got no regards whatsoever to anyone who is reading this, just me myself who felt very strongly about it.
First, being submissive. What I meant here is not the slavery type of submissive, but the submissive of knowing the needs and understanding the feelings of others. As friends, sometimes friends are too eager to get their points across or rather to prove something, thus neglecting the feelings and needs of the others in the process. Many times we do it sub conciously, but its undeniable there are times when we do it intentionally. Our actions, our thoughts our words may meant this to us, but how we put across may mean another to others. This struck me greatly because I realise my inter-personal relationship with some people are done with no submission at all, and its something that I am trying to change now.
Self opinionated. We are, in fact everyone values their self opinions more than anyone else. Many times we think our opinions are defintely right, well others opinions to that same matter is wrong, as long as they are not the same frequency as ours. Sometimes when we don't agree to other opinions, not only do we reject it but we even condemn it, and at the same time, condemn the person that says it. I think everyone has their own rights to stating their opinions and in actual fact, there's some bit of right in everyone's opinion even it may seem that their opinions are really totally morally ethically spiritually religiously wrong.
The line between judging things through your own opinions and preference and judging things through conciousness have been greyed by many of us. We have our own defintions of what is right and what is wrong, and these limits of yes and No are constantly being stretched as we get older. For example, last time when we are young, we think of naked people, we cover our eyes and say 'shame shame' now as we get older, these are everywhere, and sometimes we do watch them with much enthusiasm. I am trying to say, our rights and wrongs are bound by our own beliefs and definitions, thus each individual have their own limits as to deciding what is right and wrong.
The bottomline is, we are all not perfect. Yes when things do get seriously wrong, we correct it; as to how much we can correct, once we reach a limit of using OUR own definitions of rights and wrongs to correct it, then maybe we should just take a step back.
Sometimes the world would be a better place if we 'try to' understand the needs and feelings of the others, and at the same time accept the opinions made by them.
Then again, all these written are my own opinions. I may be totally wrong, maybe be a little right only, BUT, I am just taking this oppurtuinity to share with you guys something that I think I have learnt during the last few weeks.
Vic
I know I shouldn't even attempt to start blogging now, given the tons of work that I have to do even though its the last week before Easter break.
Anyway, I have been really busy, as explained in the previous long long time ago blog where I told you guys I will so very busy. In fact my project is due this week so have got alot of last minute summaries to compile.
I hope you guys have been doing fine, in fact I know you guys have been, given the many outings and photographs taken. Think right now some of you are with Seto now, and I am certainly most glad and happy that he is willing to try again.
Back to what I wanted to blog actually. Recently I have been coming across many issues regarding being submissive and at the same time not being too self opinionated. This has got no regards whatsoever to anyone who is reading this, just me myself who felt very strongly about it.
First, being submissive. What I meant here is not the slavery type of submissive, but the submissive of knowing the needs and understanding the feelings of others. As friends, sometimes friends are too eager to get their points across or rather to prove something, thus neglecting the feelings and needs of the others in the process. Many times we do it sub conciously, but its undeniable there are times when we do it intentionally. Our actions, our thoughts our words may meant this to us, but how we put across may mean another to others. This struck me greatly because I realise my inter-personal relationship with some people are done with no submission at all, and its something that I am trying to change now.
Self opinionated. We are, in fact everyone values their self opinions more than anyone else. Many times we think our opinions are defintely right, well others opinions to that same matter is wrong, as long as they are not the same frequency as ours. Sometimes when we don't agree to other opinions, not only do we reject it but we even condemn it, and at the same time, condemn the person that says it. I think everyone has their own rights to stating their opinions and in actual fact, there's some bit of right in everyone's opinion even it may seem that their opinions are really totally morally ethically spiritually religiously wrong.
The line between judging things through your own opinions and preference and judging things through conciousness have been greyed by many of us. We have our own defintions of what is right and what is wrong, and these limits of yes and No are constantly being stretched as we get older. For example, last time when we are young, we think of naked people, we cover our eyes and say 'shame shame' now as we get older, these are everywhere, and sometimes we do watch them with much enthusiasm. I am trying to say, our rights and wrongs are bound by our own beliefs and definitions, thus each individual have their own limits as to deciding what is right and wrong.
The bottomline is, we are all not perfect. Yes when things do get seriously wrong, we correct it; as to how much we can correct, once we reach a limit of using OUR own definitions of rights and wrongs to correct it, then maybe we should just take a step back.
Sometimes the world would be a better place if we 'try to' understand the needs and feelings of the others, and at the same time accept the opinions made by them.
Then again, all these written are my own opinions. I may be totally wrong, maybe be a little right only, BUT, I am just taking this oppurtuinity to share with you guys something that I think I have learnt during the last few weeks.
Vic
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 9:25 pm
Thursday, March 16, 2006
i wanted to post a blog 2 or 3 days ago, where my feeling was the strongest but apparently the blog had some probs when i assessed from here...b4 2 or 3 days ago, I had been really bothered for some time already...But its jus cos i m dis-satisfied with myself with many things..i will jus say 2 of them..
first, some of us hav been saying that we should decide on who we wan to be n wat we wan to do..Seriously, I have a very ambitious goal but it seems like i m miles n miles away from it n i only steps amounting to inches everyday.. I only think but i hav never action.I seemed to be always lazy, thinking still hav time or pre-occupied with other less important things. For those of u who knows joanne, the TJ school swimmer from 06/01, she's getting married in 2 months time..For those who think u r still young n there's still some time b4 u actually hav a lot of responsibilities, think again! The only person who knows wat he wans n is doing it is SQ. To update, this guy has passion in writing n now's he's smu's magazine's chief editor. I mean it has to start somewhere la.. it's not jus abt school work but abt who u wanna become...Other than jus doing well for ur studies, start thinking abt ur future, the person u wanna be, the responsibility u wanna take, the lifestyle u wan...n work towards it.. i m not jus going to say i m going to action! Thanks es and ivy for ur reminder
Secondly, was abt how i handled the friendship for seto n huli...For those of u who din know, yesterday song, ivy n i were talking online to huli n seto.. thrashing things out..Basically for huli, i told him straight in this face that he was not putting in effort. Even though knowing that we were not satisfied, he din even attempt to do anything to explain or make the situation better..I told him on my part, i hav done all that i could n all that i wanted.. so if he was jus going to leave it as it is, i m also going to do the same...i dunno abt u guys but u guys jus decide for urself..
For Seto, i hav always felt that i didn't handle our friendship well... i hav always wanted to start making it better but i always procrastinate..I think i m mostly to be blammed for him drifting apart..N he told me only yuyee takes the effort to msg him n stuff..But anyway I m thankful that he's still convinced n willing to trust the things that song, ivy n I said when he thought abt it after our session..n that's y he msg me telling me that he was willing to put in effort to know all of us again..giving our friendship a chance to rebuild.. Who here really thinks that seto's not a worthy friend? N that u dun see the point in making the effort pls let me know...Cos i dun wan him coming n then cause much dis-satisfaction in the clique...I wan every one of us to still be as bonded as we r now even in his presence.. I think in order for him to integrate back into the clique requires the effort of each n everyone...so ya if no one has anything against him, pls try to put in effort n make it work...of course there's no need to force to make it work, we will jus do our best...
If not i will end here..all of u pls study hard..weiqin enjoy ur hols...Es Black u guys take care ah... talk to u soon...
Lam
first, some of us hav been saying that we should decide on who we wan to be n wat we wan to do..Seriously, I have a very ambitious goal but it seems like i m miles n miles away from it n i only steps amounting to inches everyday.. I only think but i hav never action.I seemed to be always lazy, thinking still hav time or pre-occupied with other less important things. For those of u who knows joanne, the TJ school swimmer from 06/01, she's getting married in 2 months time..For those who think u r still young n there's still some time b4 u actually hav a lot of responsibilities, think again! The only person who knows wat he wans n is doing it is SQ. To update, this guy has passion in writing n now's he's smu's magazine's chief editor. I mean it has to start somewhere la.. it's not jus abt school work but abt who u wanna become...Other than jus doing well for ur studies, start thinking abt ur future, the person u wanna be, the responsibility u wanna take, the lifestyle u wan...n work towards it.. i m not jus going to say i m going to action! Thanks es and ivy for ur reminder
Secondly, was abt how i handled the friendship for seto n huli...For those of u who din know, yesterday song, ivy n i were talking online to huli n seto.. thrashing things out..Basically for huli, i told him straight in this face that he was not putting in effort. Even though knowing that we were not satisfied, he din even attempt to do anything to explain or make the situation better..I told him on my part, i hav done all that i could n all that i wanted.. so if he was jus going to leave it as it is, i m also going to do the same...i dunno abt u guys but u guys jus decide for urself..
For Seto, i hav always felt that i didn't handle our friendship well... i hav always wanted to start making it better but i always procrastinate..I think i m mostly to be blammed for him drifting apart..N he told me only yuyee takes the effort to msg him n stuff..But anyway I m thankful that he's still convinced n willing to trust the things that song, ivy n I said when he thought abt it after our session..n that's y he msg me telling me that he was willing to put in effort to know all of us again..giving our friendship a chance to rebuild.. Who here really thinks that seto's not a worthy friend? N that u dun see the point in making the effort pls let me know...Cos i dun wan him coming n then cause much dis-satisfaction in the clique...I wan every one of us to still be as bonded as we r now even in his presence.. I think in order for him to integrate back into the clique requires the effort of each n everyone...so ya if no one has anything against him, pls try to put in effort n make it work...of course there's no need to force to make it work, we will jus do our best...
If not i will end here..all of u pls study hard..weiqin enjoy ur hols...Es Black u guys take care ah... talk to u soon...
Lam
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 12:43 pm
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
some random thoughts plus the shagness form not sleeping seems to be disturbing me. i'm not a fan of christianity. however in particular, there is this story that has left a deep impression on me. it's moving not because of the mention of the Lord but because i thnk that this can be appiled to areas of ur life, frends and family. i think black will be happy to see this. haha. it's a v moving and lifting story and i wanna share this w those who have not read bout it. and to those who are sumtimes in doubt, theres alwaes some1 there for u when u need, even if ur we are all oceans apart.
Footsteps In The Sand
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you,
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
ue
Footsteps In The Sand
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you,
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
ue
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 10:44 am
Hey everyone
Hey Guys,
I have been quite out of touch with everyone and I hope everyone is okay.
Although I have been working much in the library, this semester was unlike the previous. I am kinda stuck in a limbo. As hard as I try, I feel jaded and negative thoughts fill my mind at times. Something which I have always detested since I know it affects my performance.
Yet I know there are ups and downs in life. Nothing is forever, I guess the only constant is change.
We are all capable of great things yet we sometimes never make good the chances we have. I want to give my 100% for everything I do but my mind fails me at times, my emotions weakens me at times. It is not that I want to but this 'satan' in me takes over me, at times.
You guys know I have always been a big supporter of the army, though I didnt make it. Haha. Country before self, very honourable. Do something great, someday. Make a big difference before you leave this world. At least once. Let the story inspire all of you. Pain is nothing, cause we know nothing of pain. When the bullet rips your heart, when you leave behind your loved ones, when you give support to your comrades when you are as much fretting for your life, that is TRUE PAIN. So I say, show me the pain so we can handle it.
Take your time reading the story. It is very meaningful. Don't rush through it. All of us, every single one of us are learning how to be a human, simply.
Esmond
ON CALL IN HELL
Richard Jadick was bored. The Navy doctor was shuffling paper while Marines were heading out to Iraq. Once, many years before, Jadick had been a Marine officer, but he had missed the 1991 gulf war, stuck behind a recruiter's desk. Now he was looking forward to leading a comfortable life as what he called a "gentleman urologist." Jadick, with a Navy rank of lieutenant commander, was 38—too old, really, to be a combat surgeon.
But then a medical committee searching for help came knocking on his door. Because of an acute doctor shortage, they were having trouble finding a junior-grade Navy doctor to go with the First Battalion, Eighth Marine Regiment (the "1/8"), to Iraq. Jadick at the time was one of the senior medical officers at Camp Lejeune, N.C. "Who could we send?" they asked. Jadick thought for a moment. "Well," he said, "I could go."
His friends told him he was crazy, and his wife, a pediatrician nine months pregnant with their first child, was none too happy. But in the summer of 2004, five days after the birth of his child, Commander Jadick shipped out for Iraq. On the plane, he sat behind a gunnery staff sergeant named Ryan P. Shane. A 250-pound weight lifter, the massive Shane turned in his seat to look at Jadick. Slowly taking the measure of the 5-foot-10, 200-pound Jadick, the gunnery sergeant said, "So you're our new surgeon. That's one job I wouldn't want to have with the place where we're going." That night Jadick e-mailed his wife, "What have I gotten myself into?"
The place they were going was Fallujah. In Sunni territory west of Baghdad, the city seethed with insurgents. Jihadists had strung up the burned bodies of American contractors in the spring of 2004, and chaos had reigned ever since. By November, the United States was tired of waiting for the enemy to give up or clear out. "Over the past five months, [we] have been attacked by a faceless enemy. But the enemy has got a face. He's called Satan. He lives in Fallujah. And we're going to destroy him," said Marine Lt. Col. Gary Brandl on the eve of the attack. Jadick's regiment, the 1/8, was ordered to take what was, in effect, the Main Street of the city. For Jadick, who speaks in a gentle, matter-of-fact voice, occasionally strained by memories of the men he saved and lost, it was to be a journey to the other side of hell.
The night before the assault, Jadick hopped into a command Humvee taking a reconnaissance mission from the headquarters base outside the city. He wanted to see what he was up against. In treating traumatic injuries, there is something known as the golden hour. A badly injured person who gets to the hospital within an hour is much more likely to be saved. But Jadick knew that in combat the "golden hour" doesn't exist. Left unaided, said Jadick, the wounded "could die in 15 minutes, and there are some things that could kill them in six minutes. If they had an arterial bleed, it could be three minutes."
Jadick knew that helicopter evacuations were out of the question: there was too great a risk the choppers would get shot down. Casualties would have to be driven out of the city. It took Jadick 45 minutes to drive from the base hospital, where he would normally be stationed, to the city. Not close enough. Jadick wanted to push closer to the action.
Jadick, along with 54 Navy corpsmen, his young, sometimes teenage medical assistants, moved to the edge of the city as the assault began; the night sky was lit by tracers and rocket fire. The next morning a call came over the radio. A Navy SEAL with a sucking chest wound needed evacuation. A weapons company was heading in to rescue the man. Lacking much military training, doctors normally stay back in the rear area. But ex-Marine Jadick decided to go to the fight. As shots rang out around them, the weapons company ran and dodged down narrow alleyways toward the building where the SEAL lay wounded. Jadick was armed only with a small 9mm pistol. He thought: "If anyone actually gets close to me, I'm going to have to throw it at him." He felt slightly ridiculous, remembering a "MASH" episode in which Alan Alda tried to scare away the enemy.
In the rubble of a shot-up building, he found the SEAL conscious but bleeding badly. "Get me out of here," the man said. Helping to carry the man on a stretcher down the stairs, Jadick could hear rocket fire and shooting. The air was thick with fine dust and a familiar smell: cordite, from gunpowder. He had smelled cordite before at rifle ranges, but never like this. "It just hung in the air," he recalled.
The radio squawked. Two Marines had been wounded in an ambush in the center of the city. Jadick wanted to get his wounded SEAL back to base camp. But the voices on the radio were insisting that the two men down in the ambush were in even worse shape. It was Jadick's call. He loaded the SEAL into an armored ambulance and set off in the vehicle toward the scene of the shooting. He could hear the firing intensify. Jadick wondered, anxiously, if a rocket-propelled grenade could punch right through the ambulance's metal sides.
The ambulance stopped and Jadick peered out at the first real fire fight of his life. There were not two wounded men, but seven. As a middle-class kid growing up in upstate New York, Jadick had avidly read about war, and even applied to West Point. But he flunked the physical—poor depth perception—and went to Ithaca College on an ROTC scholarship instead. He had served as a communications officer in the Marines, but left the corps after seven years, bitter that he had been left out of the fighting in 1991. Attending medical school on a Navy scholarship, he had never seen or experienced real war—the kind of urban combat that can leave 30 to 40 percent of a unit wounded or dead.
"I can't tell you how scared I was," he recalled. "My legs wanted to stay in that vehicle, but I had to get off. I wanted to go back into that vehicle and lie under something and cry. I felt like a coward. I felt like it took me hours to make the decision to go."
But he got up and went. He felt as though he were "walking through water." Desperately seeking cover, he ran to a three-foot wall where the most badly wounded soldier lay. He lifted the man over the wall to safety. "I put him down on the ground, and he was looking at me," Jadick recalled. The man had a gaping wound in his groin. Jadick tried to "pack" the wound, stuffing sterile gauze packages into the hole torn by an AK-47 round, but he couldn't stop the bleeding. Jadick was forced to make the first of a thousand wretched decisions. "I knew I had six other people that I had to work on. So I don't know ..." Jadick paused in the retelling. "I stopped and went on to someone else." It was Jadick's first experience in battlefield triage—forget the mortally or lightly wounded, save the rest—a concept easier to philosophize about than to practice.
Bullets were hissing around him. Afraid of dying, more afraid of failing his comrades, Jadick managed to treat the wounded, to stabilize them and stop the bleeding. As he began loading men into the ambulance, an RPG screamed in—and glanced off the roof without exploding. A second RPG slammed into the wall next to them; it didn't go off, either.
One of the wounded was Ryan Shane—the massive gunnery sergeant Jadick had met on the plane. Shane's abdomen was all shot up. Jadick was unable to lift him, so the sergeant had to crawl into the ambulance by himself. "I made room for him underneath the stretchers," Jadick recalled. But he had to turn away another Marine who had been shot in the foot. There was no more room.
As a urology resident at an inner-city trauma center in Baltimore, Jadick had spent a three-month rotation handling gunshot wounds. But the inside of the darkened ambulance, bathed in red light and blood from the wounded, echoing and rattling with the combat close by, seemed far away from the sterile, scrubbed world of a hospital ER. Working with a medic, Jadick pumped Hespan (a clear blood expander) into veins and tried to pack wounds. One man was dead already. His body, on the top rack, was bleeding all over the patients below him and Jadick, too—"down my neck, everywhere," Jadick recalled.
Jadick was covered with gore by the time the ambulance reached a transfer point. People standing around the medical tent were staring at him, so he rubbed sand on his uniform. "It made it go dark," he said.
It was not yet noon on Jadick's first day in combat. A Humvee rolled up and a big, husky young Marine from Louisiana, Joel Dupuis, jumped out and began rambling on that his friend, Pvt. Paul Volpe, was going to die. Jadick ran with Dupuis to find a young Marine slumped over on the back hatch of the Humvee. Hit in the thigh, Volpe was "fluorescent-light white," recalled Jadick. His pulse was thin and weak; shock was setting in. Jadick figured the Marine had lost more than half his blood.
Jadick looked at Volpe and thought of the Marine who had died and bled all over him. "I can't let this happen again," he thought, "or there's no point in me being here." Turning to a young Navy doctor, Carlos Kennedy, Jadick instructed, "Pack him like you've never packed a guy before." Kennedy used his boot to stomp in the gauze stuffing. Meanwhile, Dupuis, who was a corpsman, found a vein to insert an IV, and a liter of Hespan started pumping into his unconscious friend.
"All of a sudden, it was the most amazing thing," recalled Jadick. "It was like Frosty the Snowman come to life." Volpe opened his eyes, looked up and asked what was going on. When he saw Dupuis's anxious face, he joked, "I'm all right, I can see your ugly-ass face."
Jadick felt the need to get still closer to the battle. Even though Volpe had reached Jadick's aid station on the edge of the city, the Marine had almost died. In effect, Jadick wanted to set up an emergency room in the middle of the battlefield. Loading up two armored ambulances, he convoyed into the city in the dead of night to establish an aid station in the prayer room of an old government building. The night was quiet, save for the drone of a C-130 gunship searching for prey. Jadick and his men found some metal plates in the street, cleaned them and draped them with sterile gauze as trays for his scalpels. They stacked sandbags by the windows. As the sun rose, the silence was broken by sniper fire.
The casualty runs began arriving in the morning, depositing their grisly cargo. Bodies stacked up. At times Jadick couldn't sterilize his instruments fast enough. "You'd just have to throw some alcohol on the stuff and use it again. I didn't get a chance to wash my hands a lot. I wore gloves as much as possible, but they'd get all torn up and my body would just get covered in blood." Jadick was still afraid. "We were still getting shot at, and there were mortar attacks. But now it was OK somehow. Maybe I had gotten used to it, or maybe just calloused."
Kneeling over a wounded Marine, Jadick was startled to see a muzzle flash from a water tower about 50 yards away. He could clearly see a sniper, his face wrapped in cloth. For a moment, Jadick, the former Marine captain, replaced Jadick, the Navy doctor. A truckload of Marines had just pulled up. "Please go kill that guy," said Jadick, and their commander sent them out to silence the man. Jadick had a fleeting struggle with the Hippocratic Oath ("Do no harm") but thought, "At some point, it's either kill or be killed."
Jadick grew close to his young corpsmen, who were frightened, like him, but cared for the wounded like brothers. "If it would help, they would hold a guy's hand. They did those things to provide comfort, and they weren't afraid to do it. That's not something I taught them. They just did it," Jadick said.
Sometimes the corpsmen behaved like the 18- and 19-year-olds they were. Jadick was miffed at one young clerk, in charge of keeping proper records, who had apparently wandered off. Unable to find the man, Jadick began cursing him, when the clerk appeared around the corner. "Where were you?" Jadick angrily demanded. "Well," the clerk said, "some guys were trying to come across through the open gate, so I shot them." Jadick laughed as he recalled the story. "That's a pretty good excuse, so I'll let you go this time," he told the man.
On the third or fourth night, a vehicle pulled up with a badly wounded Marine named Jacob Knospler. A corporal with a rifle company, Knospler had dragged the shot-up Gunnery Sergeant Shane out of harm's way a few days before. Now, fighting house to house, he had been hit in the face with grenade shrapnel. There was a hole where his mouth and jaw had been. He was conscious and crying and trying to paw at his face. "We had to hold his hands and give him a lot of morphine, as much as he could tolerate," said Jadick. Unable to put a breathing tube down his throat, Jadick worried that Knospler would gag and suffocate on his own blood, tissue and mucus on his way to surgery. He jumped into the ambulance with the wounded corporal and, working with a female medic, kept suctioning the man's horribly wounded face. After 30 minutes, they arrived at a transfer station to hand him over to a new doctor. When the doctor saw the wound, his eyes bulged. "Are you going to be OK with this?" asked Jadick. The doctor said yes, and Jadick headed back to the inferno.
That was a bad night, Jadick recalled, but not the worst. A Marine came in shot in the head. Though he was still breathing, his skull was fractured and his eyeballs were hanging on either side of his face. When Jadick removed the Marine's helmet he could feel the plates of the man's skull moving. There was a distinctive, nauseating smell—of gray matter, brain tissue.
The man died, and so did many of his wounded comrades. But there were some remarkable survivors. A Marine walked over to Jadick and said, "Doc, I've got a headache." Jadick saw with a start that there was a hole in the guy's helmet. Gingerly, Jadick removed the helmet—and saw that a bullet had, in effect, scalped the young Marine, separating a flap of skin at the hairline, but not penetrating his skull. "You're pretty lucky," Jadick said. As both men laughed, Jadick stitched him up. "You don't need to be here anymore today," he told the man, and sent him to the rear.
The laughs were few and far between. A Marine arrived with a chest wound. Jadick had seen the man, Lance Cpl. Demarkus Brown, a few days before, when he showed up with a lip sliced by shrapnel. "Doc, do I get a Purple Heart for this?" Brown had asked. Jadick had assured him that he would, sewed up the lip, and sent him back to the fight. Now the man did not seem too badly wounded. He was breathing and his eyes were open. Still, Jadick was unable to get a breathing tube down his throat. For a moment, Brown seemed to perk up when Jadick inserted a needle in his chest for a tube, but suddenly the blood began to pulse out. A major blood vessel had ruptured inside him. The man's blood pressure was so low that Jadick couldn't get an IV line working.
Jadick talked to the man. "C'mon, Brown, don't give up on me," he gently pleaded. The young man died. He had been an especially well-liked leatherneck, tough but cheerful. "To this day, he's the kid I can't get out of my head," said Jadick, as he was interviewed two years later for this story. "It was one of those things ..." Jadick paused and began to weep quietly.
For 11 days, Jadick worked night and day at his forward aid station. In late November, as the area around the government building quieted, Jadick moved his team to an abandoned pickle factory in an industrial area where fighting was still going on. The weather had turned bit-ter cold, so the corpsmen dug holes in the floor and built fireplaces out of rubble. Jadick worried that the IV fluids might become so chilled that the wounded would go into hypothermic shock. To try to warm the fluid to body temperature, corpsmen had the idea of taping pints to their legs and carrying them inside their cargo pockets.
The wounded kept coming. One hero was Matthew Palacios. Injured, he saw a grenade land beside him. Somehow, he had the presence of mind to fling it back, saving the men around him. Increasingly, the wounded were Marines ripped by booby traps and suicide bombers. The KIAs (Killed in Action) were so mangled that Jadick decided to build a morgue, so his young corpsmen wouldn't have to see the shattered bodies piling up.
The one injury Jadick did not see much of was posttraumatic stress disorder. One Marine had to be sent to the rear, and plenty of men complained that they didn't want to go back out and fight—but they did. The PTSD, Jadick knows, will show up for some men only after they're back home, safe but haunted by flashbacks and memories. "We all had PTSD at some level," said Jadick, who nevertheless has not sought treatment.
By mid-December, Fallujah was secured. It had been the worst urban fighting involving Americans since Vietnam. At least 53 Marines and Navy SEALs died, as did something like 1,600 insurgents. By mid-January, Jadick was home: there was an opening for a urology resident at the Medical College of Georgia. Jadick was eager to see his baby daughter and wife.
Jadick was awarded a Bronze Star with a Combat V for valor. (The medal, pinned onto Jadick in January, is the only Combat V awarded a Navy doctor thus far in the Iraq war.) His commanding officer, Lt. Col. Mark Winn, estimated that without Jadick at the front, the Marines would have lost an additional 30 men. Of the hundreds of men treated by Jadick, only one died after reaching a hospital. "I have never seen a doctor display the kind of courage and bravery that Rich did during Fallujah," said Winn. Jadick still owes the Navy a couple of years as a doctor. He's thinking of staying in beyond that. "Being a battalion surgeon is one of the greatest jobs there is," he says, in his low-key way. "So, sure, I would do it again, yeah."
I have been quite out of touch with everyone and I hope everyone is okay.
Although I have been working much in the library, this semester was unlike the previous. I am kinda stuck in a limbo. As hard as I try, I feel jaded and negative thoughts fill my mind at times. Something which I have always detested since I know it affects my performance.
Yet I know there are ups and downs in life. Nothing is forever, I guess the only constant is change.
We are all capable of great things yet we sometimes never make good the chances we have. I want to give my 100% for everything I do but my mind fails me at times, my emotions weakens me at times. It is not that I want to but this 'satan' in me takes over me, at times.
You guys know I have always been a big supporter of the army, though I didnt make it. Haha. Country before self, very honourable. Do something great, someday. Make a big difference before you leave this world. At least once. Let the story inspire all of you. Pain is nothing, cause we know nothing of pain. When the bullet rips your heart, when you leave behind your loved ones, when you give support to your comrades when you are as much fretting for your life, that is TRUE PAIN. So I say, show me the pain so we can handle it.
Take your time reading the story. It is very meaningful. Don't rush through it. All of us, every single one of us are learning how to be a human, simply.
Esmond
ON CALL IN HELL
Richard Jadick was bored. The Navy doctor was shuffling paper while Marines were heading out to Iraq. Once, many years before, Jadick had been a Marine officer, but he had missed the 1991 gulf war, stuck behind a recruiter's desk. Now he was looking forward to leading a comfortable life as what he called a "gentleman urologist." Jadick, with a Navy rank of lieutenant commander, was 38—too old, really, to be a combat surgeon.
But then a medical committee searching for help came knocking on his door. Because of an acute doctor shortage, they were having trouble finding a junior-grade Navy doctor to go with the First Battalion, Eighth Marine Regiment (the "1/8"), to Iraq. Jadick at the time was one of the senior medical officers at Camp Lejeune, N.C. "Who could we send?" they asked. Jadick thought for a moment. "Well," he said, "I could go."
His friends told him he was crazy, and his wife, a pediatrician nine months pregnant with their first child, was none too happy. But in the summer of 2004, five days after the birth of his child, Commander Jadick shipped out for Iraq. On the plane, he sat behind a gunnery staff sergeant named Ryan P. Shane. A 250-pound weight lifter, the massive Shane turned in his seat to look at Jadick. Slowly taking the measure of the 5-foot-10, 200-pound Jadick, the gunnery sergeant said, "So you're our new surgeon. That's one job I wouldn't want to have with the place where we're going." That night Jadick e-mailed his wife, "What have I gotten myself into?"
The place they were going was Fallujah. In Sunni territory west of Baghdad, the city seethed with insurgents. Jihadists had strung up the burned bodies of American contractors in the spring of 2004, and chaos had reigned ever since. By November, the United States was tired of waiting for the enemy to give up or clear out. "Over the past five months, [we] have been attacked by a faceless enemy. But the enemy has got a face. He's called Satan. He lives in Fallujah. And we're going to destroy him," said Marine Lt. Col. Gary Brandl on the eve of the attack. Jadick's regiment, the 1/8, was ordered to take what was, in effect, the Main Street of the city. For Jadick, who speaks in a gentle, matter-of-fact voice, occasionally strained by memories of the men he saved and lost, it was to be a journey to the other side of hell.
The night before the assault, Jadick hopped into a command Humvee taking a reconnaissance mission from the headquarters base outside the city. He wanted to see what he was up against. In treating traumatic injuries, there is something known as the golden hour. A badly injured person who gets to the hospital within an hour is much more likely to be saved. But Jadick knew that in combat the "golden hour" doesn't exist. Left unaided, said Jadick, the wounded "could die in 15 minutes, and there are some things that could kill them in six minutes. If they had an arterial bleed, it could be three minutes."
Jadick knew that helicopter evacuations were out of the question: there was too great a risk the choppers would get shot down. Casualties would have to be driven out of the city. It took Jadick 45 minutes to drive from the base hospital, where he would normally be stationed, to the city. Not close enough. Jadick wanted to push closer to the action.
Jadick, along with 54 Navy corpsmen, his young, sometimes teenage medical assistants, moved to the edge of the city as the assault began; the night sky was lit by tracers and rocket fire. The next morning a call came over the radio. A Navy SEAL with a sucking chest wound needed evacuation. A weapons company was heading in to rescue the man. Lacking much military training, doctors normally stay back in the rear area. But ex-Marine Jadick decided to go to the fight. As shots rang out around them, the weapons company ran and dodged down narrow alleyways toward the building where the SEAL lay wounded. Jadick was armed only with a small 9mm pistol. He thought: "If anyone actually gets close to me, I'm going to have to throw it at him." He felt slightly ridiculous, remembering a "MASH" episode in which Alan Alda tried to scare away the enemy.
In the rubble of a shot-up building, he found the SEAL conscious but bleeding badly. "Get me out of here," the man said. Helping to carry the man on a stretcher down the stairs, Jadick could hear rocket fire and shooting. The air was thick with fine dust and a familiar smell: cordite, from gunpowder. He had smelled cordite before at rifle ranges, but never like this. "It just hung in the air," he recalled.
The radio squawked. Two Marines had been wounded in an ambush in the center of the city. Jadick wanted to get his wounded SEAL back to base camp. But the voices on the radio were insisting that the two men down in the ambush were in even worse shape. It was Jadick's call. He loaded the SEAL into an armored ambulance and set off in the vehicle toward the scene of the shooting. He could hear the firing intensify. Jadick wondered, anxiously, if a rocket-propelled grenade could punch right through the ambulance's metal sides.
The ambulance stopped and Jadick peered out at the first real fire fight of his life. There were not two wounded men, but seven. As a middle-class kid growing up in upstate New York, Jadick had avidly read about war, and even applied to West Point. But he flunked the physical—poor depth perception—and went to Ithaca College on an ROTC scholarship instead. He had served as a communications officer in the Marines, but left the corps after seven years, bitter that he had been left out of the fighting in 1991. Attending medical school on a Navy scholarship, he had never seen or experienced real war—the kind of urban combat that can leave 30 to 40 percent of a unit wounded or dead.
"I can't tell you how scared I was," he recalled. "My legs wanted to stay in that vehicle, but I had to get off. I wanted to go back into that vehicle and lie under something and cry. I felt like a coward. I felt like it took me hours to make the decision to go."
But he got up and went. He felt as though he were "walking through water." Desperately seeking cover, he ran to a three-foot wall where the most badly wounded soldier lay. He lifted the man over the wall to safety. "I put him down on the ground, and he was looking at me," Jadick recalled. The man had a gaping wound in his groin. Jadick tried to "pack" the wound, stuffing sterile gauze packages into the hole torn by an AK-47 round, but he couldn't stop the bleeding. Jadick was forced to make the first of a thousand wretched decisions. "I knew I had six other people that I had to work on. So I don't know ..." Jadick paused in the retelling. "I stopped and went on to someone else." It was Jadick's first experience in battlefield triage—forget the mortally or lightly wounded, save the rest—a concept easier to philosophize about than to practice.
Bullets were hissing around him. Afraid of dying, more afraid of failing his comrades, Jadick managed to treat the wounded, to stabilize them and stop the bleeding. As he began loading men into the ambulance, an RPG screamed in—and glanced off the roof without exploding. A second RPG slammed into the wall next to them; it didn't go off, either.
One of the wounded was Ryan Shane—the massive gunnery sergeant Jadick had met on the plane. Shane's abdomen was all shot up. Jadick was unable to lift him, so the sergeant had to crawl into the ambulance by himself. "I made room for him underneath the stretchers," Jadick recalled. But he had to turn away another Marine who had been shot in the foot. There was no more room.
As a urology resident at an inner-city trauma center in Baltimore, Jadick had spent a three-month rotation handling gunshot wounds. But the inside of the darkened ambulance, bathed in red light and blood from the wounded, echoing and rattling with the combat close by, seemed far away from the sterile, scrubbed world of a hospital ER. Working with a medic, Jadick pumped Hespan (a clear blood expander) into veins and tried to pack wounds. One man was dead already. His body, on the top rack, was bleeding all over the patients below him and Jadick, too—"down my neck, everywhere," Jadick recalled.
Jadick was covered with gore by the time the ambulance reached a transfer point. People standing around the medical tent were staring at him, so he rubbed sand on his uniform. "It made it go dark," he said.
It was not yet noon on Jadick's first day in combat. A Humvee rolled up and a big, husky young Marine from Louisiana, Joel Dupuis, jumped out and began rambling on that his friend, Pvt. Paul Volpe, was going to die. Jadick ran with Dupuis to find a young Marine slumped over on the back hatch of the Humvee. Hit in the thigh, Volpe was "fluorescent-light white," recalled Jadick. His pulse was thin and weak; shock was setting in. Jadick figured the Marine had lost more than half his blood.
Jadick looked at Volpe and thought of the Marine who had died and bled all over him. "I can't let this happen again," he thought, "or there's no point in me being here." Turning to a young Navy doctor, Carlos Kennedy, Jadick instructed, "Pack him like you've never packed a guy before." Kennedy used his boot to stomp in the gauze stuffing. Meanwhile, Dupuis, who was a corpsman, found a vein to insert an IV, and a liter of Hespan started pumping into his unconscious friend.
"All of a sudden, it was the most amazing thing," recalled Jadick. "It was like Frosty the Snowman come to life." Volpe opened his eyes, looked up and asked what was going on. When he saw Dupuis's anxious face, he joked, "I'm all right, I can see your ugly-ass face."
Jadick felt the need to get still closer to the battle. Even though Volpe had reached Jadick's aid station on the edge of the city, the Marine had almost died. In effect, Jadick wanted to set up an emergency room in the middle of the battlefield. Loading up two armored ambulances, he convoyed into the city in the dead of night to establish an aid station in the prayer room of an old government building. The night was quiet, save for the drone of a C-130 gunship searching for prey. Jadick and his men found some metal plates in the street, cleaned them and draped them with sterile gauze as trays for his scalpels. They stacked sandbags by the windows. As the sun rose, the silence was broken by sniper fire.
The casualty runs began arriving in the morning, depositing their grisly cargo. Bodies stacked up. At times Jadick couldn't sterilize his instruments fast enough. "You'd just have to throw some alcohol on the stuff and use it again. I didn't get a chance to wash my hands a lot. I wore gloves as much as possible, but they'd get all torn up and my body would just get covered in blood." Jadick was still afraid. "We were still getting shot at, and there were mortar attacks. But now it was OK somehow. Maybe I had gotten used to it, or maybe just calloused."
Kneeling over a wounded Marine, Jadick was startled to see a muzzle flash from a water tower about 50 yards away. He could clearly see a sniper, his face wrapped in cloth. For a moment, Jadick, the former Marine captain, replaced Jadick, the Navy doctor. A truckload of Marines had just pulled up. "Please go kill that guy," said Jadick, and their commander sent them out to silence the man. Jadick had a fleeting struggle with the Hippocratic Oath ("Do no harm") but thought, "At some point, it's either kill or be killed."
Jadick grew close to his young corpsmen, who were frightened, like him, but cared for the wounded like brothers. "If it would help, they would hold a guy's hand. They did those things to provide comfort, and they weren't afraid to do it. That's not something I taught them. They just did it," Jadick said.
Sometimes the corpsmen behaved like the 18- and 19-year-olds they were. Jadick was miffed at one young clerk, in charge of keeping proper records, who had apparently wandered off. Unable to find the man, Jadick began cursing him, when the clerk appeared around the corner. "Where were you?" Jadick angrily demanded. "Well," the clerk said, "some guys were trying to come across through the open gate, so I shot them." Jadick laughed as he recalled the story. "That's a pretty good excuse, so I'll let you go this time," he told the man.
On the third or fourth night, a vehicle pulled up with a badly wounded Marine named Jacob Knospler. A corporal with a rifle company, Knospler had dragged the shot-up Gunnery Sergeant Shane out of harm's way a few days before. Now, fighting house to house, he had been hit in the face with grenade shrapnel. There was a hole where his mouth and jaw had been. He was conscious and crying and trying to paw at his face. "We had to hold his hands and give him a lot of morphine, as much as he could tolerate," said Jadick. Unable to put a breathing tube down his throat, Jadick worried that Knospler would gag and suffocate on his own blood, tissue and mucus on his way to surgery. He jumped into the ambulance with the wounded corporal and, working with a female medic, kept suctioning the man's horribly wounded face. After 30 minutes, they arrived at a transfer station to hand him over to a new doctor. When the doctor saw the wound, his eyes bulged. "Are you going to be OK with this?" asked Jadick. The doctor said yes, and Jadick headed back to the inferno.
That was a bad night, Jadick recalled, but not the worst. A Marine came in shot in the head. Though he was still breathing, his skull was fractured and his eyeballs were hanging on either side of his face. When Jadick removed the Marine's helmet he could feel the plates of the man's skull moving. There was a distinctive, nauseating smell—of gray matter, brain tissue.
The man died, and so did many of his wounded comrades. But there were some remarkable survivors. A Marine walked over to Jadick and said, "Doc, I've got a headache." Jadick saw with a start that there was a hole in the guy's helmet. Gingerly, Jadick removed the helmet—and saw that a bullet had, in effect, scalped the young Marine, separating a flap of skin at the hairline, but not penetrating his skull. "You're pretty lucky," Jadick said. As both men laughed, Jadick stitched him up. "You don't need to be here anymore today," he told the man, and sent him to the rear.
The laughs were few and far between. A Marine arrived with a chest wound. Jadick had seen the man, Lance Cpl. Demarkus Brown, a few days before, when he showed up with a lip sliced by shrapnel. "Doc, do I get a Purple Heart for this?" Brown had asked. Jadick had assured him that he would, sewed up the lip, and sent him back to the fight. Now the man did not seem too badly wounded. He was breathing and his eyes were open. Still, Jadick was unable to get a breathing tube down his throat. For a moment, Brown seemed to perk up when Jadick inserted a needle in his chest for a tube, but suddenly the blood began to pulse out. A major blood vessel had ruptured inside him. The man's blood pressure was so low that Jadick couldn't get an IV line working.
Jadick talked to the man. "C'mon, Brown, don't give up on me," he gently pleaded. The young man died. He had been an especially well-liked leatherneck, tough but cheerful. "To this day, he's the kid I can't get out of my head," said Jadick, as he was interviewed two years later for this story. "It was one of those things ..." Jadick paused and began to weep quietly.
For 11 days, Jadick worked night and day at his forward aid station. In late November, as the area around the government building quieted, Jadick moved his team to an abandoned pickle factory in an industrial area where fighting was still going on. The weather had turned bit-ter cold, so the corpsmen dug holes in the floor and built fireplaces out of rubble. Jadick worried that the IV fluids might become so chilled that the wounded would go into hypothermic shock. To try to warm the fluid to body temperature, corpsmen had the idea of taping pints to their legs and carrying them inside their cargo pockets.
The wounded kept coming. One hero was Matthew Palacios. Injured, he saw a grenade land beside him. Somehow, he had the presence of mind to fling it back, saving the men around him. Increasingly, the wounded were Marines ripped by booby traps and suicide bombers. The KIAs (Killed in Action) were so mangled that Jadick decided to build a morgue, so his young corpsmen wouldn't have to see the shattered bodies piling up.
The one injury Jadick did not see much of was posttraumatic stress disorder. One Marine had to be sent to the rear, and plenty of men complained that they didn't want to go back out and fight—but they did. The PTSD, Jadick knows, will show up for some men only after they're back home, safe but haunted by flashbacks and memories. "We all had PTSD at some level," said Jadick, who nevertheless has not sought treatment.
By mid-December, Fallujah was secured. It had been the worst urban fighting involving Americans since Vietnam. At least 53 Marines and Navy SEALs died, as did something like 1,600 insurgents. By mid-January, Jadick was home: there was an opening for a urology resident at the Medical College of Georgia. Jadick was eager to see his baby daughter and wife.
Jadick was awarded a Bronze Star with a Combat V for valor. (The medal, pinned onto Jadick in January, is the only Combat V awarded a Navy doctor thus far in the Iraq war.) His commanding officer, Lt. Col. Mark Winn, estimated that without Jadick at the front, the Marines would have lost an additional 30 men. Of the hundreds of men treated by Jadick, only one died after reaching a hospital. "I have never seen a doctor display the kind of courage and bravery that Rich did during Fallujah," said Winn. Jadick still owes the Navy a couple of years as a doctor. He's thinking of staying in beyond that. "Being a battalion surgeon is one of the greatest jobs there is," he says, in his low-key way. "So, sure, I would do it again, yeah."
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 3:42 am
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Pianist
Hey guys, just a short one.. was watching The Pianist on channel 5 just now.. its a movie about how the Jews in Germany got cruelly treated and mostly brutally murdered. It's realli disturbing to watch.. I remembered watching this movie with Ue and Es, and all 3 of us liked the movie alot.. well, it sort of reminds me about the things that I worry and think about nowadays.. compared to the people in wars; they are so insignificant and unworthy of mentioning. Also I remembered the email which Ivy mailed to all of us.. regarding the poverty stricken ppl in Africa. Those pictures realli depress me. So to all guys and everyone reading this, we should always be thankful for what we have and who we are, and make the best out of it. The fact that we are healthy, have food to eat, water to drink and all other basic necessities should remind us how lucky we are.. if you are not convinced, pls watch The Pianist, or ask the pictures from me. Most of the things that are stressing us out now are studies, relationships, people politics, projects blah blah etc.. surely we can handle them independently and well. Well, of cos, if I start to take things for granted too.. pls wake up my idea too. Meanwhile, study hard and all the best to all of your results. Take good care of your health too.
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 12:32 am
Friday, March 10, 2006
ATTENTION!
Dear all,
Seems like it's a hard decision to decide whether Tioman or Genting/KL. Some prefer Genting/KL some prefer Tioman bcos it's Cheap! So i'll lay down all the good and bad points about each and you all decide, and give me an answer asap.
First, Genting/KL
It's gng to be 2 days KL, stay over one night at KLCC. Then two nights at Genting departure after check-out. On the way back, we'll go for seafood before heading back to Singapore.
Why is it good?
- Get to visit 2 places, KL and Genting. Ladies get to do some shopping at KL.(kiddin')
- Most imptly, it's the ride from singapore to KL and Genting. We have the whole bus to ourselves.
- Loads of seafood.
- Staying at KLCC. Huge apartment. I am asking for only one apartment. 3rooms. Can play cards, drink whatever you like. Bus will be waiting to fetch us up to Genting after lunch.
-Breakfast provided for Genting.
- Genting has a good weather, those with flabs no need to worry. No need to strip. Genting get to enjoy the 'thrilling' rides. Esp for those who missed it during HK trip. Can relive the past.
- Everything is cheap at Genting. Can relax and eat nice restaurant. Those who wants to try gamble may do so.
Why is it NOT an ideal place?
- KL is a busy city like Spore, as expensive as spore. May not feel the pain when you spend money since our currency is bigger.
- Not very relax-ing as according to some, since you are not away from the bustle hustle cities. not true about genting thou.
- The group might split as some might want to stay in hotel and some wants to take rides. Just like what happened in HK!
Tioman
Why is it good?
- Definitely cheaper than Genting/KL.
- Very relaxing. Since you get to be at the BEACH.
- Weather will be extremely hot, good for those who wants a tan like louis koo.
- No splitting. since everyone is going to be stucked at the same place.
- There is jungle trekking, snorkelling etc.
- Breakfast provided.
- Just like a chalet, FOUR in a room. Those who wants to be funny, sorry!
Drawbacks?
- Going to be very packed. The beach is gng to be filled with people like us. So you might need to train your bod.
- You are stucked at the place for 3 days, rather 4 since our lamie wants to extend one more day.
- Only a few restuarants. So can order different seafood but it's the same cook.
- You tend to perspire more since the weather is hot. Need to bring more clothes?
- If it rains, then not much activties except to bind in the rooms.
Okie, i've said all that i have to say. Please place your vote. Please place vote with care. Your vote might be the deciding vote!(laughs)
Seems like it's a hard decision to decide whether Tioman or Genting/KL. Some prefer Genting/KL some prefer Tioman bcos it's Cheap! So i'll lay down all the good and bad points about each and you all decide, and give me an answer asap.
First, Genting/KL
It's gng to be 2 days KL, stay over one night at KLCC. Then two nights at Genting departure after check-out. On the way back, we'll go for seafood before heading back to Singapore.
Why is it good?
- Get to visit 2 places, KL and Genting. Ladies get to do some shopping at KL.(kiddin')
- Most imptly, it's the ride from singapore to KL and Genting. We have the whole bus to ourselves.
- Loads of seafood.
- Staying at KLCC. Huge apartment. I am asking for only one apartment. 3rooms. Can play cards, drink whatever you like. Bus will be waiting to fetch us up to Genting after lunch.
-Breakfast provided for Genting.
- Genting has a good weather, those with flabs no need to worry. No need to strip. Genting get to enjoy the 'thrilling' rides. Esp for those who missed it during HK trip. Can relive the past.
- Everything is cheap at Genting. Can relax and eat nice restaurant. Those who wants to try gamble may do so.
Why is it NOT an ideal place?
- KL is a busy city like Spore, as expensive as spore. May not feel the pain when you spend money since our currency is bigger.
- Not very relax-ing as according to some, since you are not away from the bustle hustle cities. not true about genting thou.
- The group might split as some might want to stay in hotel and some wants to take rides. Just like what happened in HK!
Tioman
Why is it good?
- Definitely cheaper than Genting/KL.
- Very relaxing. Since you get to be at the BEACH.
- Weather will be extremely hot, good for those who wants a tan like louis koo.
- No splitting. since everyone is going to be stucked at the same place.
- There is jungle trekking, snorkelling etc.
- Breakfast provided.
- Just like a chalet, FOUR in a room. Those who wants to be funny, sorry!
Drawbacks?
- Going to be very packed. The beach is gng to be filled with people like us. So you might need to train your bod.
- You are stucked at the place for 3 days, rather 4 since our lamie wants to extend one more day.
- Only a few restuarants. So can order different seafood but it's the same cook.
- You tend to perspire more since the weather is hot. Need to bring more clothes?
- If it rains, then not much activties except to bind in the rooms.
Okie, i've said all that i have to say. Please place your vote. Please place vote with care. Your vote might be the deciding vote!(laughs)
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 12:35 pm
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
sitting in the room w ryan and the guys, with my notes sprawling around, i tried to focus on my AS assignment. but somehow, the attention i required abandoned me. or mabbe i nv had them. feeling the pain of trying to make sense of nonsensical statements, i switched to bgs. the absorption was still sorely lacking. this waste of time carried on and on.. till hh came in and finally i had a companion to tok to. too talkative i guess. haha
he was doing his video. i was doing my work. then suddenly he started to tok bout vinee, a gal he likes. (or mabbe i started it but i cant't realli rem and it does'nt matter much too). haha man do i like gossiping these daes. he said he's hesitant and not sure of wat to do. i think many of us face situations like this. what i can say is that, and im not trying to act pro or be cocky here, we shud alwaes do and fight for the things we feel are worth it. we onli live once. chances dun alwaes pop by. a missed opportunity may mean a forgone hope. wud u wanna risk losing this chance? or wud u wanna not try now and risk this opprtunity mite some how pop by again?
as long as its worth it, and not doing any harm to anyone, also maintaining a clear conscience, it is worth the fight. wud u wanna lose sumthing wo even giving a try? or wudnt u wanna give it a shot and tell urself that u have at least tried, made an effort. even if it fails, at least u have tried. some factors are not there for u to control. but the things that u can do, u must do. this applies to eveything. the babes, the work and all. i gtg now. in a mad rush. so if its not v coherent and fluent, pls pardon.
th learned and articulate writer, at the same time equally yandao as he is smart
ue
he was doing his video. i was doing my work. then suddenly he started to tok bout vinee, a gal he likes. (or mabbe i started it but i cant't realli rem and it does'nt matter much too). haha man do i like gossiping these daes. he said he's hesitant and not sure of wat to do. i think many of us face situations like this. what i can say is that, and im not trying to act pro or be cocky here, we shud alwaes do and fight for the things we feel are worth it. we onli live once. chances dun alwaes pop by. a missed opportunity may mean a forgone hope. wud u wanna risk losing this chance? or wud u wanna not try now and risk this opprtunity mite some how pop by again?
as long as its worth it, and not doing any harm to anyone, also maintaining a clear conscience, it is worth the fight. wud u wanna lose sumthing wo even giving a try? or wudnt u wanna give it a shot and tell urself that u have at least tried, made an effort. even if it fails, at least u have tried. some factors are not there for u to control. but the things that u can do, u must do. this applies to eveything. the babes, the work and all. i gtg now. in a mad rush. so if its not v coherent and fluent, pls pardon.
th learned and articulate writer, at the same time equally yandao as he is smart
ue
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 6:27 pm
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Now comes the highlight of today's event...Jacq's 20th b'dae!...Ok.. let me sort of explain the plan from our Mastermind, Mr Jian cum Jacq's bf, Mr Woon.. those boring guys pls take this opportunity to learn from him...haha. Plan was that at 2300H, some of us will go set up the big heart shape by the beach, with tea-light candles surrounding the heart..n then bury Jac's present from yuyee in the sand, within the heart..Following, after we RV with the others, hav a cake n sing bdae song as we walk towards the happy couple in the heart...
we hav to get it lighted by 2350 cos then yuyee will ask Jacq for a walk towards the place...Basically things went reasonably well till 2340 when we started lighting the candles..Wind was quite strong n we had quite a hard time trying to keep them burning..There was one so strong that wiped out all our flames..N jus imagine it was 2350..We were desperate! N yuyee called to say he's here...As we did out best to light as much candles as we could, we all prayed n hoped that it will sustain at least till Jacq sees it.. Thankfully when she saw it most of the candles were still lighted...so all i can say is that yuyee...U r lucky!
Although it wasn't perfect, i think it did give Jacq a surprise( or did it not Jacq?)haha.. i would say, even though yuyee din physically perform the tasks, he did a lot of thinking n coordinating on his part to plan for this whole event to happen, to make it a memorable b'bae for Jacq...
I m happy cos everyone contributed n fulfilled their own equally important role to make this whole thing successful.. so good job man all of u! Without any of u, the task wouldn't hav been so smooth..Now here r some pics of the 2 of them that's in my cam..
Now, here comes a truly in-love man expressing himself!!!!!!
So much said...let me add....Backstreet! Look at the efficiency of the Eastside..Today's event, today post even though it's like 5am already..haha.This wan think u guys gotta learn from us! hahaha
Lastly Jacq let me once again wish u a happy 20th b'dae. May all ur wishes come true. Also wish the both of u an ever-lasting love...Hope u really did enjoy...
Lam
we hav to get it lighted by 2350 cos then yuyee will ask Jacq for a walk towards the place...Basically things went reasonably well till 2340 when we started lighting the candles..Wind was quite strong n we had quite a hard time trying to keep them burning..There was one so strong that wiped out all our flames..N jus imagine it was 2350..We were desperate! N yuyee called to say he's here...As we did out best to light as much candles as we could, we all prayed n hoped that it will sustain at least till Jacq sees it.. Thankfully when she saw it most of the candles were still lighted...so all i can say is that yuyee...U r lucky!
Although it wasn't perfect, i think it did give Jacq a surprise( or did it not Jacq?)haha.. i would say, even though yuyee din physically perform the tasks, he did a lot of thinking n coordinating on his part to plan for this whole event to happen, to make it a memorable b'bae for Jacq...
I m happy cos everyone contributed n fulfilled their own equally important role to make this whole thing successful.. so good job man all of u! Without any of u, the task wouldn't hav been so smooth..Now here r some pics of the 2 of them that's in my cam..
Now, here comes a truly in-love man expressing himself!!!!!!
So much said...let me add....Backstreet! Look at the efficiency of the Eastside..Today's event, today post even though it's like 5am already..haha.This wan think u guys gotta learn from us! hahaha
Lastly Jacq let me once again wish u a happy 20th b'dae. May all ur wishes come true. Also wish the both of u an ever-lasting love...Hope u really did enjoy...
Lam
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 3:57 am
ok... here are some of the pics for our dear dadi's bdae..they all came down to boon lay to celebrate...ate chi cha at the coffee shop beside city harvest..N guess who took all these lousy pics?? haha...part of song's and sq's arm were not taken...
Ok.. there is 1 dish missing...the chilli crab...Es, Black, Huli..pls dun think 2 much..when u guys come back we will go whack all these...haha
Lam
Ok.. there is 1 dish missing...the chilli crab...Es, Black, Huli..pls dun think 2 much..when u guys come back we will go whack all these...haha
Lam
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 3:38 am
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Penny for my thoughts
Hi Everyone,
How is everyone? Hope all is good and fine.
A penny for my thoughts. A couple of things happened these few days. Nothing really big but really made me think I have hardly moved on, relationship wise.
Well for those who didnt know what has been going on between me and her, we were kinda trying to work things out but I was never trusting of her anymore, not even close to 50%. It wasn't the same seeing her anymore but to me it was okay. I guess I always believed that love is enough, it always is enough to overcome all obstacles. Maybe for the right person yes, I guess. Why did I hold on these few years I never really know but I know for sure that I was afraid she will disappear from my memory forever. Now it doesn't matter anymore, it will be, definitely.
You know, when people say a person's character never change it is true. It is extremely difficult to change. I thought after all that she has been through she might know or even learn the basics of appreciation. I held on to that hope more than anything else and that was where I faltered again this time.
She told me after 6 months that she doesn't know whether it is the guilt, nolstalgia, memories or whether it is the love anymore. Funnily I think she just wants to set the benchmark of disappointment higher and higher every year. Every thing she says year after year makes me more and more disappointed. So disappointed I don't feel anything after two days (which is good). I always believe love never fails or may be its because my parents love me this much that I believe it is possible to love someone this much. In truth its not, the love your parents can give you trangress any love that u can ever ever ever ever find. Janice and I is surely surely over this time, there's absolutely no turning back and there is definitely no possibility of us ever going anywhere anymore. It's as if this person is erased from my life. Maybe you guys will tell me it's not that bad but in reality it is that bad. I probably won't see her in 5 years or so and really who knows what the situation is then? You never know what life is capable of.
In spite of all these I must say I have given to her all I can, all that I think I can ever find inside me. For this life, this relationship ends. Next life? I don't know. Which leads me to remind all those people who are in a relationship, never ever do disappoint your loved ones cause sometimes the hurt u inflict will never go away. It may scar him/her for life, a trauma u can never set aside until u personally feel it. And nobody deserves to be scarred, not by the person who claims to love you most. Nobody deserves to be hurt deeply by the person who claims to love you most. Disappointment is a big word. If you have a second chance to redeem yourself for disappointing that loved one, grab that second chance with all your might cause u never know when u will lose it.
For all those that are still single, disappointment applies to you too. We owe to our parents first and foremost not to disappoint them. I think this time I really disappointed my parents especially my mom by talking to her again. My mom said:" Your pain is MY pain." I know she meant every single word of it. We too should try our best not to disappoint the friends who love us and care for us most. Friends that are always two steps behind, never take them for granted. Disappointment in all respects to all people who love you, it is just plain selfishness.
I was reminded of Eugenia in all these and I am glad that we are close friends. Well, two different people brings you to different conclusions and different paths. I can say with a certain level of confidence Eugenia will somehow remain in my realm of life but Janice, definitely not, not anymore. And it's weird, isn't it?
I am gonna stop here. Anyway I am really fine everyone, dont worry. You guys should be so sure I cant be anymore disappointed! Haha. My disappointment with her was already a minimum point, she just lowered the benchmark, thats all. Haha. So yea, all of you take care!
Esmond
How is everyone? Hope all is good and fine.
A penny for my thoughts. A couple of things happened these few days. Nothing really big but really made me think I have hardly moved on, relationship wise.
Well for those who didnt know what has been going on between me and her, we were kinda trying to work things out but I was never trusting of her anymore, not even close to 50%. It wasn't the same seeing her anymore but to me it was okay. I guess I always believed that love is enough, it always is enough to overcome all obstacles. Maybe for the right person yes, I guess. Why did I hold on these few years I never really know but I know for sure that I was afraid she will disappear from my memory forever. Now it doesn't matter anymore, it will be, definitely.
You know, when people say a person's character never change it is true. It is extremely difficult to change. I thought after all that she has been through she might know or even learn the basics of appreciation. I held on to that hope more than anything else and that was where I faltered again this time.
She told me after 6 months that she doesn't know whether it is the guilt, nolstalgia, memories or whether it is the love anymore. Funnily I think she just wants to set the benchmark of disappointment higher and higher every year. Every thing she says year after year makes me more and more disappointed. So disappointed I don't feel anything after two days (which is good). I always believe love never fails or may be its because my parents love me this much that I believe it is possible to love someone this much. In truth its not, the love your parents can give you trangress any love that u can ever ever ever ever find. Janice and I is surely surely over this time, there's absolutely no turning back and there is definitely no possibility of us ever going anywhere anymore. It's as if this person is erased from my life. Maybe you guys will tell me it's not that bad but in reality it is that bad. I probably won't see her in 5 years or so and really who knows what the situation is then? You never know what life is capable of.
In spite of all these I must say I have given to her all I can, all that I think I can ever find inside me. For this life, this relationship ends. Next life? I don't know. Which leads me to remind all those people who are in a relationship, never ever do disappoint your loved ones cause sometimes the hurt u inflict will never go away. It may scar him/her for life, a trauma u can never set aside until u personally feel it. And nobody deserves to be scarred, not by the person who claims to love you most. Nobody deserves to be hurt deeply by the person who claims to love you most. Disappointment is a big word. If you have a second chance to redeem yourself for disappointing that loved one, grab that second chance with all your might cause u never know when u will lose it.
For all those that are still single, disappointment applies to you too. We owe to our parents first and foremost not to disappoint them. I think this time I really disappointed my parents especially my mom by talking to her again. My mom said:" Your pain is MY pain." I know she meant every single word of it. We too should try our best not to disappoint the friends who love us and care for us most. Friends that are always two steps behind, never take them for granted. Disappointment in all respects to all people who love you, it is just plain selfishness.
I was reminded of Eugenia in all these and I am glad that we are close friends. Well, two different people brings you to different conclusions and different paths. I can say with a certain level of confidence Eugenia will somehow remain in my realm of life but Janice, definitely not, not anymore. And it's weird, isn't it?
I am gonna stop here. Anyway I am really fine everyone, dont worry. You guys should be so sure I cant be anymore disappointed! Haha. My disappointment with her was already a minimum point, she just lowered the benchmark, thats all. Haha. So yea, all of you take care!
Esmond
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 6:09 am
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Thanks
Thank you everyone for being a part of my life in one way or another... Without you guys I am nothing and without you guys my life will be lacking in depth.
Throughout all 22 years of my life, I have not understood the true meaning of life. Even now I am trying to grasp whatever definition that I can find from anyone who offers it. But I can share with everyone what I know thus far...
I know a lot of people who are thinking: "If I were so and so, I would have done it this way to make a difference to the world" But in the end, it's nothing but plain talk and empty promises. In the process, we are only cheating ourselves and ultimately when we die, we have only ourselves to blame. Life is not all about claims and speculations. We won't achieve anything from words alone.
To be honest, when Songjie lambasted me not too long ago, I was very upset. But I knew that he meant something... Something I've never understood. But now I do... Every little contribution counts... Every person matters and every action will affect someone we might not even know.
In the past, I enjoyed dwelling in my melancholy, thinking that no one understands how I feel and no one will ever do. But in the midst of all that, I made the people around me, who cared for me, feel terrible.
My dear friends, we only live once, so help yourselves and try to do something special for someone. I can't say much cos I am still learning. But I've been trying to do some community work and I believe starting small will lead to larger things.
Esmond, you've always been there for me even though you're so far away. Your family has treated me like I'm part of it and I have the utmost respect for your mum and dad. I'm lucky enough to have a few dinners with your family and I would really want to thank you for this acceptance. You've been ever a friend to me and I truly appreciate this.
Lam, I've learnt so much from you in terms of character. Never step away from aggression, and always have respect for the people around you, these are just some of the things I've learnt from you. You've always been a light in dark corners for many of us and I know I can always trust you with the smallest of things to the largest of things. I can even entrust you with my life. I want to thank you for all these years of help...
Songjie, I thank you for telling me how you feel and in turn this made me realise a lot of things. I've also realised that there is so much to learn from you and I'm now in the process of learning from you. I've sometimes wondered what goes in your heart cos there are instances that you keep things to yourself. But I just hope that when you need me, I'll be here to help you or simply lend a listening ear.
Yuyee, I want to thank you for your endless generosity and care. Many a time when I am in need and you came to my aid, there is no friendship greater than this. I can still recall times in TJC when you were giving aid in one form or another, whether monetary or emotional. And you are a great person to know. I'm very glad to have known you.
Shangqian, I want to thank you for times when you talked to me and lend a listening ear for the endless troubles that I seem to pile on myself. We have grown closer together lately and I hope that we can continue this closeness. You are a talented person and you should have a chance to let others know about it. Don't shy away from such opportunities
Weiqin, I want to thank you for the endless joy you've brought to me and the rest and in turn, you've discredited yourself a little. I know you are a responsible person and you've grown to be more and more reliable as the days go by. I am so proud to know you as a friend. And I want you to know that your efforts in humouring us have not gone to waste. You are truly a one of a kind friend and one that I will cherish forever.
Terence, I want to thank you for being always overbearing to every caustic comment being made to you at your expense. I want you to know that you're the most tolerant person I've ever come across and I want to let you know that this is a rare quality. One that will bring you far in life. I will never forget the tuition days and the FIFA days when we used to have so much fun. You've been vital during my secondary school days and I will never forget you.
Ivy, I want to thank you for cooking the best food I've ever eaten since my mum. Your kindness and hospitality is much appreciated. I've seen you change over the years and I've now come across the best version of Ivy I've every known. There was never a doubt in your character, one that we all adore and love all these years. I only hope that you and Victor will be there walking down the aisle and I'll be able to watch. It's not far from realisation, I'm very sure.
Victor, I want to thank you for so much that you've done for me. From your character, I've learnt the ways of life and how to be an honest man. One who will command respect from his peers and strangers alike. Your actions speak of greatness and I hope that one day I would be able to emulate them. You've been a great friend to me for as long as I can remember and I only want to let you know that I will cherish and remember all that you've taught, knowingly and unknowingly.
SiuSiu, I want to thank you for being so friendly and nice. I've not known you for long, but I can never forget how you helped during Songjie's 21st birthday. You just standing there and helping even though we don't really know each other well speaks of good things about you. And this little acts of kindness will always be remembered.
Thank you you all...
Throughout all 22 years of my life, I have not understood the true meaning of life. Even now I am trying to grasp whatever definition that I can find from anyone who offers it. But I can share with everyone what I know thus far...
I know a lot of people who are thinking: "If I were so and so, I would have done it this way to make a difference to the world" But in the end, it's nothing but plain talk and empty promises. In the process, we are only cheating ourselves and ultimately when we die, we have only ourselves to blame. Life is not all about claims and speculations. We won't achieve anything from words alone.
To be honest, when Songjie lambasted me not too long ago, I was very upset. But I knew that he meant something... Something I've never understood. But now I do... Every little contribution counts... Every person matters and every action will affect someone we might not even know.
In the past, I enjoyed dwelling in my melancholy, thinking that no one understands how I feel and no one will ever do. But in the midst of all that, I made the people around me, who cared for me, feel terrible.
My dear friends, we only live once, so help yourselves and try to do something special for someone. I can't say much cos I am still learning. But I've been trying to do some community work and I believe starting small will lead to larger things.
Esmond, you've always been there for me even though you're so far away. Your family has treated me like I'm part of it and I have the utmost respect for your mum and dad. I'm lucky enough to have a few dinners with your family and I would really want to thank you for this acceptance. You've been ever a friend to me and I truly appreciate this.
Lam, I've learnt so much from you in terms of character. Never step away from aggression, and always have respect for the people around you, these are just some of the things I've learnt from you. You've always been a light in dark corners for many of us and I know I can always trust you with the smallest of things to the largest of things. I can even entrust you with my life. I want to thank you for all these years of help...
Songjie, I thank you for telling me how you feel and in turn this made me realise a lot of things. I've also realised that there is so much to learn from you and I'm now in the process of learning from you. I've sometimes wondered what goes in your heart cos there are instances that you keep things to yourself. But I just hope that when you need me, I'll be here to help you or simply lend a listening ear.
Yuyee, I want to thank you for your endless generosity and care. Many a time when I am in need and you came to my aid, there is no friendship greater than this. I can still recall times in TJC when you were giving aid in one form or another, whether monetary or emotional. And you are a great person to know. I'm very glad to have known you.
Shangqian, I want to thank you for times when you talked to me and lend a listening ear for the endless troubles that I seem to pile on myself. We have grown closer together lately and I hope that we can continue this closeness. You are a talented person and you should have a chance to let others know about it. Don't shy away from such opportunities
Weiqin, I want to thank you for the endless joy you've brought to me and the rest and in turn, you've discredited yourself a little. I know you are a responsible person and you've grown to be more and more reliable as the days go by. I am so proud to know you as a friend. And I want you to know that your efforts in humouring us have not gone to waste. You are truly a one of a kind friend and one that I will cherish forever.
Terence, I want to thank you for being always overbearing to every caustic comment being made to you at your expense. I want you to know that you're the most tolerant person I've ever come across and I want to let you know that this is a rare quality. One that will bring you far in life. I will never forget the tuition days and the FIFA days when we used to have so much fun. You've been vital during my secondary school days and I will never forget you.
Ivy, I want to thank you for cooking the best food I've ever eaten since my mum. Your kindness and hospitality is much appreciated. I've seen you change over the years and I've now come across the best version of Ivy I've every known. There was never a doubt in your character, one that we all adore and love all these years. I only hope that you and Victor will be there walking down the aisle and I'll be able to watch. It's not far from realisation, I'm very sure.
Victor, I want to thank you for so much that you've done for me. From your character, I've learnt the ways of life and how to be an honest man. One who will command respect from his peers and strangers alike. Your actions speak of greatness and I hope that one day I would be able to emulate them. You've been a great friend to me for as long as I can remember and I only want to let you know that I will cherish and remember all that you've taught, knowingly and unknowingly.
SiuSiu, I want to thank you for being so friendly and nice. I've not known you for long, but I can never forget how you helped during Songjie's 21st birthday. You just standing there and helping even though we don't really know each other well speaks of good things about you. And this little acts of kindness will always be remembered.
Thank you you all...
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 12:00 am
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