East.Side.Back.Street

I'm here. Sorry for not being able to post anything prior to this. I've been really busy. Actually I don't really know what I'm gonna say. I'm in hall now alone. Reminiscing about this week as a whole and the things that happened within this week. This week didn't really started well. I saw my ex on a bus from Yishun to Tampines. Now what are the odds? Irregardless, I still see her there on the bus. You cannot imagine the turmoil of emotions inside of me. After almost 2 years, there she is... The same person when I left her, but her hair changed colour, her face is paler,wait a minute... Is she the same person that I used to love? The answer is no. I mustered up my courage, and sat myself beside her,she being in as much a state of shock as i was. It took a hell lot of guts to go up to her, let alone sit next to her. Nevertheless, I did. Now, is this the right choice? I told myself,"hack it for now".I couldn't set my eyes into hers... My fingers started to tap my lap erratically... Flashbacks of our past flood my brains... Hands getting cold. My mouth opened but the words won't come out. But I had to say something. I took out my handphone and typed the words:" How r u?"
This action caught me as being awfully familiar. Right, I remembered I did this when we just got acquainted. When we were in Harry's Bar at esplanade. The jazz band was too loud and I took out my handphone and... Wait.... Where are my thoughts drifting to?
I snapped out of it and interrupted her with the text message. She said, hardly audible, "good,what about you?" I replied "good". My mind:"yeah right...u destroyed my life... what's so good in that?" Then I asked:"how's your mum?" Her mum was really nice to me and it really mattered to me that she was well. As expected, she said her mum's fine.
Awkward silence followed...
A few insignificant exchanges regarding our current lives were made. That's when I decided to ask her somethings that troubled my mind ever since that day we broke up. "Are you still with the..... that guy what's his name? Err.... (I know that guy's name but I didn't want to put filth in my mouth)" She nodded without looking at me.
I was devastated... Not because I still harbour feelings for her. But I realised that she moved on so quickly while I'm still stuck here. That person should have been me.... It's not fair... She ripped my heart out of my ass and now she's living it up while I'm still down there.... My heart sank... Then she inquired... Without anticipation or any warning, she asked:"Do you hate me?"
What am I supposed to say? God...You destroyed my life for crying out loud... You made me feel that true love exists and you tore that ideology from me. You made me think of our future when you were out with another guy... You gave me hope... and you took it away from me...
"What's there to hate...?"
"God help me... Why did You have to make me see her...?" these thoughts reverberate in my mind even till today...
My stop is reaching... I don't think I'll ever see her... I don't wanna see her anymore...
"I just want to say.... I'm sorry if I've done anything wrong to hurt you and I'm sorry if I said anything on that day that hurt you..."
Then, I alighted the bus...
I have to write this out because it's corroding my mind and eating away my life... Bear with me guys... I'm sorry... Hope you guys have better luck than me... I'm giving up on this... I just wished you guys are happy... Then I'll be most pleased...

Wei Xin