Friday, December 02, 2005
Humans vs ROBOTS
All my closest friends,
I have so much to say AGAIN! I ended my tutorial one hour ago and it went quite well, im quite happy. Put in quite a bit of effort but it was fruitful in the end I guess. I felt such a huge urge to blog before I start studying. Maybe its bothering me a bit.
My thoughts may be really random so bear with me?
I met this guy fomerly from VJC at the Nottingham games. He is a Malaysian (former permanent resident) who did not serve the army and did his law degree at the University of Leicester straight after the A's. So we were talking and we were on the topic of our need to satisfy the second upper criteria. I was worried and I felt no need to hide my fears plus the fact its not easy getting a 2.1 at Nottingham. He was quite okay until he said this: " Do you doubt yourself?" (raising his eyebrows as he posed me the question) At that moment in time, I felt nothing. It gradually sunk into me. The question I would like to pose to all of you is this. Do you guys in any way, big or small, ever doubt yourself?? I do and I would like to believe all men do, even the greatest of leaders like Lee Kuan Yew or Gandhi or Churchill or Roosevelt. Do they not question their policies and the huge choices they have to make, day in day out? I refuse to believe so. We are all humans, we err, we falter, we crumble and finally we pick ourselves up. I read somewhere the humans have a great ability to pick themselves up, however big the trauma. I was quite pissed off (no, i dun get pissed off easily) that he posed me that question. Not to mention he was very confident of securing a 2.1. Dont tell me u have never doubted urself cause it is bullshit. Its allright cause u havent cheated me, you cheated urself in the process.
We proceeded with the topic on guys serving NS. I told him I was quite worried cause guys who come out from NS are usually more focused and decisive, in life and in work. Yet the statistics for Singaporean law graduates in Nottingham is low. Almost only 50% make it. I used that as a justification for my worries. And HE THAT DUDE WHO DIDNT SERVE, gave me a disenchanted look. (Oh does army make such a big difference face) He went on about how unfair the Singaporean government was. Saying now that he didnt serve the army, the Singaporean government treats him worse off than a foreign worker trying to apply for a job. He mentioned the Singaporean government takes it as a 'slap of the face' for refusing to serve the army, and henceforth revoking his PR. He went on and on about how unfair it is...blah blah blah..like what he still has to pay so much for education even when he is a PR. Like there are no rights accorded to him. All nonsense. If you are not a citizen, the closest and best status u can have is a PR!!! What nonsense are u talking about! And he went on and on about the government being unfair and I was quite pissed off. U dun want to serve the nation when we are out there in the muds, spending two years of our lives and u want to be accorded the same status?? I think u need to find a brain. Its damn infuriating. Anyway, enough about him.
Anyway, back to the point of us doubting ourselves at some point in our lives. I don't know if I told you guys she sent me a present, yes unmentionable. It was a shirt la. It wasn't anything much and I didnt particularly felt anything either. What Im driving at is this. I know many of you all tell me I should leave it and not bother. I understand all your points but if we think back how often do we make mistakes ourselves? Who am I to punish her, or judge her? Im not perfect myself. I am not free from guilt, I am not free from sins. There is imperfectness, or in harsher words, even wickedness(big or small) in my heart, I must admit shamefully. wait and before I continue, I dont want you all to worry about me cause Im not affected much, its just a passing thought that might trigger further reflection. See, as mentioned above! In the above paragraph, I am scolding that dude from Malaysia! I dislike his comments! SEE! Wickedness of the heart!
I do talk to her on the MSN sometimes. Whenever I am reminded of what happened I just bear to continue talking cause I still feel so much anger. At other times I fondly remember her as the young girl I once knew, the young girl I wished I had more opportunity in my life knowing and understanding at a deeper level. Personally I try as much as I can to know people that matter on a deeper level, it is one of my constant aims. For all of you, every trip out, every event, every dinner, every action, every decision you make could lead me to my better understanding of you. Likewise for my parents. Over the years I have slowly understood their perspectives, their goals, their dreams.I knew how they were like when they were young, their hopes for the future and their hopes for us. Its a never-ending process of learning. Learning about yourself and the people you love. And to know a person at that level is invaluable. When you say ' I KNOW him', do you want to superficially know he exists or do you want to know him deep? All his thoughts, his ideals and personality that makes him unique. My dad, mom, brother, auntie, cousin and grandparents, they are all unique to me. Im straying again...
Back to the point about her. I think Wei xin will be able to understand better what I am driving at. ( Not discrediting all of you) It is truly not easy where matters of the heart are concerned you know? Sometimes its a bitter game I play with myself. The emotions come surging and you have absolutely no idea what to do. It's different if I am chasing or going after her now, as opposed to having already been with her for two years. It's not terribly long I know but how am I ever gonna tell someone what I told her?? How am i supposed to hold another's hand without regard that I hold hers so tightly previously? Lam and Xin, I want to tell u both I truly appreciate you both going up to her. Not many people would have done that. It was about protection, albeit a bit gay-yish, but both your protection of me. That action in itself speaks so much about how much u both care for me because you know how deep I can fall. You KNOW me well and what more can I ask of you? Nothing.
Even now, if I see her taken advantage by someone do you think I will just say, she chose it herself? I wuldn't. It's not about being heroic or self-righteous or anything...it's about being human. As much as I wish to, I can't totally erase her off my memory. So I guess I must just deal with that, since this character is part of me. What I need is to draw a clear line so I do not get carried away. I know all of you mean well and I want to reassure all of you I am fully concentrated in work, don't worry about me. I just thought today...:" This is a lesson about being human." Humans or robots?
Esmond
I have so much to say AGAIN! I ended my tutorial one hour ago and it went quite well, im quite happy. Put in quite a bit of effort but it was fruitful in the end I guess. I felt such a huge urge to blog before I start studying. Maybe its bothering me a bit.
My thoughts may be really random so bear with me?
I met this guy fomerly from VJC at the Nottingham games. He is a Malaysian (former permanent resident) who did not serve the army and did his law degree at the University of Leicester straight after the A's. So we were talking and we were on the topic of our need to satisfy the second upper criteria. I was worried and I felt no need to hide my fears plus the fact its not easy getting a 2.1 at Nottingham. He was quite okay until he said this: " Do you doubt yourself?" (raising his eyebrows as he posed me the question) At that moment in time, I felt nothing. It gradually sunk into me. The question I would like to pose to all of you is this. Do you guys in any way, big or small, ever doubt yourself?? I do and I would like to believe all men do, even the greatest of leaders like Lee Kuan Yew or Gandhi or Churchill or Roosevelt. Do they not question their policies and the huge choices they have to make, day in day out? I refuse to believe so. We are all humans, we err, we falter, we crumble and finally we pick ourselves up. I read somewhere the humans have a great ability to pick themselves up, however big the trauma. I was quite pissed off (no, i dun get pissed off easily) that he posed me that question. Not to mention he was very confident of securing a 2.1. Dont tell me u have never doubted urself cause it is bullshit. Its allright cause u havent cheated me, you cheated urself in the process.
We proceeded with the topic on guys serving NS. I told him I was quite worried cause guys who come out from NS are usually more focused and decisive, in life and in work. Yet the statistics for Singaporean law graduates in Nottingham is low. Almost only 50% make it. I used that as a justification for my worries. And HE THAT DUDE WHO DIDNT SERVE, gave me a disenchanted look. (Oh does army make such a big difference face) He went on about how unfair the Singaporean government was. Saying now that he didnt serve the army, the Singaporean government treats him worse off than a foreign worker trying to apply for a job. He mentioned the Singaporean government takes it as a 'slap of the face' for refusing to serve the army, and henceforth revoking his PR. He went on and on about how unfair it is...blah blah blah..like what he still has to pay so much for education even when he is a PR. Like there are no rights accorded to him. All nonsense. If you are not a citizen, the closest and best status u can have is a PR!!! What nonsense are u talking about! And he went on and on about the government being unfair and I was quite pissed off. U dun want to serve the nation when we are out there in the muds, spending two years of our lives and u want to be accorded the same status?? I think u need to find a brain. Its damn infuriating. Anyway, enough about him.
Anyway, back to the point of us doubting ourselves at some point in our lives. I don't know if I told you guys she sent me a present, yes unmentionable. It was a shirt la. It wasn't anything much and I didnt particularly felt anything either. What Im driving at is this. I know many of you all tell me I should leave it and not bother. I understand all your points but if we think back how often do we make mistakes ourselves? Who am I to punish her, or judge her? Im not perfect myself. I am not free from guilt, I am not free from sins. There is imperfectness, or in harsher words, even wickedness(big or small) in my heart, I must admit shamefully. wait and before I continue, I dont want you all to worry about me cause Im not affected much, its just a passing thought that might trigger further reflection. See, as mentioned above! In the above paragraph, I am scolding that dude from Malaysia! I dislike his comments! SEE! Wickedness of the heart!
I do talk to her on the MSN sometimes. Whenever I am reminded of what happened I just bear to continue talking cause I still feel so much anger. At other times I fondly remember her as the young girl I once knew, the young girl I wished I had more opportunity in my life knowing and understanding at a deeper level. Personally I try as much as I can to know people that matter on a deeper level, it is one of my constant aims. For all of you, every trip out, every event, every dinner, every action, every decision you make could lead me to my better understanding of you. Likewise for my parents. Over the years I have slowly understood their perspectives, their goals, their dreams.I knew how they were like when they were young, their hopes for the future and their hopes for us. Its a never-ending process of learning. Learning about yourself and the people you love. And to know a person at that level is invaluable. When you say ' I KNOW him', do you want to superficially know he exists or do you want to know him deep? All his thoughts, his ideals and personality that makes him unique. My dad, mom, brother, auntie, cousin and grandparents, they are all unique to me. Im straying again...
Back to the point about her. I think Wei xin will be able to understand better what I am driving at. ( Not discrediting all of you) It is truly not easy where matters of the heart are concerned you know? Sometimes its a bitter game I play with myself. The emotions come surging and you have absolutely no idea what to do. It's different if I am chasing or going after her now, as opposed to having already been with her for two years. It's not terribly long I know but how am I ever gonna tell someone what I told her?? How am i supposed to hold another's hand without regard that I hold hers so tightly previously? Lam and Xin, I want to tell u both I truly appreciate you both going up to her. Not many people would have done that. It was about protection, albeit a bit gay-yish, but both your protection of me. That action in itself speaks so much about how much u both care for me because you know how deep I can fall. You KNOW me well and what more can I ask of you? Nothing.
Even now, if I see her taken advantage by someone do you think I will just say, she chose it herself? I wuldn't. It's not about being heroic or self-righteous or anything...it's about being human. As much as I wish to, I can't totally erase her off my memory. So I guess I must just deal with that, since this character is part of me. What I need is to draw a clear line so I do not get carried away. I know all of you mean well and I want to reassure all of you I am fully concentrated in work, don't worry about me. I just thought today...:" This is a lesson about being human." Humans or robots?
Esmond
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 12:39 am
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]