Saturday, August 20, 2005
This might be a bad post.
Hey Marists,
It is very encouraging to see people responding to the blog. I have even heard comments from some people it s the first few things they do when they switch on the computer. Technology does serve its right purpose at times.
Well, I agree much with what Lam has said. First and foremost, what do you really want and what your priorities are? That thought and goal must come before all else, or you would simply be running around like headless chickens. When you prioritise what means much to you, be it family, money, friendship, relationships, things will fall into place and the rest would be up to you. Easier said than done.
I have been feeling not so myself these couple of days. Mainly since I made a trip to NUS to have lunch with my friends. I do not think I would be visiting NUS anytime soon. The atmosphere was overwhelming really, it made me feel caged. Passing by the Law faculty, I feel so ashamed because I know many things are due to my own doings. To be entirely honest, I have never considered an overseas education, Never. If ever, it would be a far fetched dream of a scholarship. Sometimes I think of the cost of an overseas education and to me it sounds so ridiculous it seems surreal. The cost of an overseas education is no joking matter and it both pressurises and embarrasses me when I think of how much I could have saved. And the fact that both my parents have never uttered a word of cynism and discouragement make things even more unbearable. It is amazing what your parents can do for you. If you ever doubt your parents, I am telling you, you are gonna be so surprised at the end of the day.
People do ask me questions like: Hey Esmond, why wasn't NUS your choice? Hey Esmond, why do you wanna go Overseas? On many occasions I try to be as honest as I can, depending on the person I am speaking to. I wish to tell them, hey look I did not make it allright and I am already feeling sore so why don't you quit asking! I passed by NUS Law school and people come up to me and say: Hey when are you leaving? Heard you are going over to Nottingham, shiok right? In my mind, Im like FUCK YOU! You wanna pay for my education?! Basically the feeling is different if you are leaving due to a conscious choice over NUS. Where mine is concerned, to be honest, I do not have a choice. The only choice is NUS Engineering, no discrediting it, I just do not see myself as an engineer. When I see my friends rush off for lectures/tutorials and the topics they discuss in school, it hurts because I wish to be there. All I can put on is a calm face, pretending I am all okay with it! FUCK, I am not alright! I wish I have a resolution to this issue, but sadly I do not.
Things were not made any easier when I went back to VJC for a soccer match today. No doubt I have grown and learnt many things but that which really mattered, that which have determind my tertiary education, I have failed. I walked around school and of course memories of a certain person came back. I must say this is my weakness, it is. Where this is concerned I have let both myself and my parents down terribly. She was to me then a person who mattered so much. The things I have done for her transcends all I could have ever imagined.(It's not that I did a lot, it is merely what I thought I would have done for a girl) Partly due to this I have always felt a certain degree of responsibility towards her. I do not know why but I feel I can not put in my feelings for any one else because she has taken up a certain part of my heart. It is more than two years now yet I continue to keep her in my mind. Ironically, she has moved on to well two other guys. The thought that I am so replacable makes me belittle myself. This is my achilles tendon, it has always been so and I need to overcome it. In this case, a person I had implicit trust in totally ruined and put into question the genuity of it all. I am never a trusting person and this might be the reason why I keep holding on. To live to prove that the trust was not wasted, and that all things would be clear in the end. Damn, before I know it, I hear she is seeing this other guy. Which puts me back into the doubt stage.
This seem like a bad post now. I need to grab hold of my thoughts. I know my weakness, and this is one of it. I need to get through it.
Esmond
It is very encouraging to see people responding to the blog. I have even heard comments from some people it s the first few things they do when they switch on the computer. Technology does serve its right purpose at times.
Well, I agree much with what Lam has said. First and foremost, what do you really want and what your priorities are? That thought and goal must come before all else, or you would simply be running around like headless chickens. When you prioritise what means much to you, be it family, money, friendship, relationships, things will fall into place and the rest would be up to you. Easier said than done.
I have been feeling not so myself these couple of days. Mainly since I made a trip to NUS to have lunch with my friends. I do not think I would be visiting NUS anytime soon. The atmosphere was overwhelming really, it made me feel caged. Passing by the Law faculty, I feel so ashamed because I know many things are due to my own doings. To be entirely honest, I have never considered an overseas education, Never. If ever, it would be a far fetched dream of a scholarship. Sometimes I think of the cost of an overseas education and to me it sounds so ridiculous it seems surreal. The cost of an overseas education is no joking matter and it both pressurises and embarrasses me when I think of how much I could have saved. And the fact that both my parents have never uttered a word of cynism and discouragement make things even more unbearable. It is amazing what your parents can do for you. If you ever doubt your parents, I am telling you, you are gonna be so surprised at the end of the day.
People do ask me questions like: Hey Esmond, why wasn't NUS your choice? Hey Esmond, why do you wanna go Overseas? On many occasions I try to be as honest as I can, depending on the person I am speaking to. I wish to tell them, hey look I did not make it allright and I am already feeling sore so why don't you quit asking! I passed by NUS Law school and people come up to me and say: Hey when are you leaving? Heard you are going over to Nottingham, shiok right? In my mind, Im like FUCK YOU! You wanna pay for my education?! Basically the feeling is different if you are leaving due to a conscious choice over NUS. Where mine is concerned, to be honest, I do not have a choice. The only choice is NUS Engineering, no discrediting it, I just do not see myself as an engineer. When I see my friends rush off for lectures/tutorials and the topics they discuss in school, it hurts because I wish to be there. All I can put on is a calm face, pretending I am all okay with it! FUCK, I am not alright! I wish I have a resolution to this issue, but sadly I do not.
Things were not made any easier when I went back to VJC for a soccer match today. No doubt I have grown and learnt many things but that which really mattered, that which have determind my tertiary education, I have failed. I walked around school and of course memories of a certain person came back. I must say this is my weakness, it is. Where this is concerned I have let both myself and my parents down terribly. She was to me then a person who mattered so much. The things I have done for her transcends all I could have ever imagined.(It's not that I did a lot, it is merely what I thought I would have done for a girl) Partly due to this I have always felt a certain degree of responsibility towards her. I do not know why but I feel I can not put in my feelings for any one else because she has taken up a certain part of my heart. It is more than two years now yet I continue to keep her in my mind. Ironically, she has moved on to well two other guys. The thought that I am so replacable makes me belittle myself. This is my achilles tendon, it has always been so and I need to overcome it. In this case, a person I had implicit trust in totally ruined and put into question the genuity of it all. I am never a trusting person and this might be the reason why I keep holding on. To live to prove that the trust was not wasted, and that all things would be clear in the end. Damn, before I know it, I hear she is seeing this other guy. Which puts me back into the doubt stage.
This seem like a bad post now. I need to grab hold of my thoughts. I know my weakness, and this is one of it. I need to get through it.
Esmond
# posted by eastsidebackstreet : 3:48 pm
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